I’ve got to go to Weight Watchers tonight. It’s very, very important that I go.

You see, I’ve missed the last two meetings in a row.

This is bad. This is very bad. It’s part of a trend that I am not happy with at all. This now makes for a grand total of four meetings that I have missed. Mind you, that is over a course of 2 years and 10 months, BUT..they all occurred within the last few months.

You know the worst part? When I’ve cheated, or missed a meeting…It hasn’t been an “unconscious” thing. I’ve known exactly what I was doing, and been telling myself how stupid it was when I was doing so. Did it anyway, though.

I have not, however, totally backslid. I still drink water more often than not for my beverage of choice. I haven’t gone back to stopping at Hardee’s every morning for three steak biscuits. I’m not getting a sub, two sodas, and a candy bar for lunch every day. I’m not going through a twelve pack of coke every other day. I’m hardly eating any red meat. I’m still buying light microwave popcorn instead of the movie theater butter kind that I love so.

Things are still much better than they could be.

But they aren’t as good as they were, and some of my clothes have started getting a bit snug again. I can still get into them, but they are suddenly pinching and constricting in places that they were not doing so before.

I walked today. Walked Monday. Did not walk yesterday. Had a good day food wise yesterday until last night, when I broke into the peanut butter. I didn’t go too crazy there, but peanut butter has a LOT of fat.

I know, I know. I did a lot. My last weigh in had me at 253 pounds. I started at 419. It’s a lot of weight to lose, and I should be proud, and I am.

But I’m terrified of stepping on that scale tonight. I have a pass that let’s me skip weigh in, and I am tempted to use it, but I really think I need to know. I need to see how bad it’s gotten. Maybe it will be a good shock to the system. Of course, I could have maintained or lost and be worrying for nothing as well.

I’m going to find out tonight.

I really, really wanted to be 225 by Dragon Con. It didn’t happen. I pushed it back to my birthday. That is in a month. A healthy person doesn’t lose 25 pounds in a month, so I don’t see that happening either.

Two months? Can I get there by Thanksgiving and be ready to take on the holidays?

I still need new clothes. I’m tired of mine, and I’ve been feeling more and more recently that I dress like a complete dork.

Oh, by the way…I didn’t take my Wellbutrin with me to Jacksonville last week and it was out of my system for 3 days…Those of you who have been reading my journal for a while know what that does to me. I managed to not get to the point where I was shaking like a junkie on the wagon, but I’m feeling a bit buggy…So…take all of what I am writing here with a big grain of salt.

I have a four day weekend ahead of me, and I am spending it with netgoth. That’s an incredibly bright spot amidst the blah that is my current mood.

Feh. I need to get back to work.