I haven’t updated my journal in a few days now. Things have, of course, been happening. Life is moving on. I just haven’t been inspired to write much recently. I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for my therapy to start. It’s almost like I’ve been worse knowing that I’m going to be going in there. The wait has been very agonizing. I’m filled with questions and anxietys about what exactly is going to happen when I go in there tomorrow. What will she say? What will I say? Will we talk about recent events, or things from my past? How often will she want to see me? Will she give me a perscription? Will I chicken out at the last minute and not go?

Of course, it’s exactly this kind of behavior that necessitates my need for therapy in the first place.

The rehearsals for “A Streetcar Named Desire” are going pretty well so far. I like the cast. We’re all getting along very well, and I think it’s going to be a pretty decent show.

It’s funny, but I’m writing all of this “here is my day to day” stuff when I really feel like going off on some sort of long, drawn out and angst filled rant. I just don’t feel comfortable doing it right now. I’m pissed and upset and I can’t put my rage into words. I don’t even know if I should. I shouldn’t be upset about the things that are bothering me, because in most cases it’s something I caused myself, or something so utterly inane and based in fantasy as to be laughable.

And I want to laugh at it. I really do. I want to be cruel and merciless, and point out the utter lunacy of those situations. But I feel like if I start laughing, I’ll never stop again. I’ll crawl onto the banks of the river, see my distorted reflection in the water staring back at me, and break into psychotic peals of laughter that will never stop.

Kudos to anyone who gets the reference to what I was just describing.

“There’s no difference between me and everyone else. All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.”

So last night, as I suspected, I already began to see the benefits of deciding to take the small part offered to me in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” I went to O’Keefe’s with Scottie afterwords, and after long bouts of reminiscing about when we did “Alice In Wonderland” together, she mentioned the fact that she was doing a musical version of “Aladdin” next summer. She talked about how she was going to need someone to play the sorcerer. Someone who had an imposing stage presence. Someone who would look good in a huge cape and long flowing robes. Someone with a wicked smile. Someone who could sing. She then looked at me and winked.

Gotta love the way the theater works.

Sounds like it could be a fun role. The character (who’s name I have forgotten..it is not Jafar) is a total over the top bad guy. No redeemable qualities. No attempts to justify his actions as being right. No misguided notions. Just a real snake. Good. I want to play someone like that. Have wanted to for a very long time, in fact. Pilate is the closest I’ve gotten to a real bad guy, and while he is one of the antagonists in “Jesus Christ Superstar” he is far from a bad guy.

So next summer should prove to be interesting.

Scottie is also going to be directing “Romeo and Juliet” soon. Mercutio is another role I’ve always wanted to sink my teeth into, and it would be nice to actually do some Shakespeare.

I’ve debated talking about the fact that I’m going into therapy on my live journal, but (as you can tell by now) I’ve decided to go ahead and do it. This thing has proved to be a therapy of sorts for me anyway, so I figure it’s only right that I include how I’m dealing with things off of the net here as well. On Tuesday at 3PM I’m finally going to see a psychologist. The truth of the matter is that I’ve needed to for a very long time. Not only am I pretty sure I’ve got a chemical imbalance of some sort in my shiny little head, but I’ve got a lot of issues from my past that I haven’t really dealt with in a satisfactory manner. Especially in the last few years. I lost a lot of people that were important to me in a very brief time. I went through a divorce. I was laid off and unemployed for months. I might have had a stroke (the jury is still out on that one). All of these factors combined have led up to me being a generally unhappy person these days. I’m ok when I’m with people. Talking. Doing things. But when I’m idle and the wheels in my head start turning, I have a tendency to get very, very depressed.

Oh, I also opened my account back up on Match.com. Sent out a few emails. I’ve got 7 days to cancel before they charge my card, so we’ll see what happens. That shit has actually contributed to my depression in the past, so it might just make things worse. I figure now that I’ve got some decent pictures I might be able to at least get someone to write me back, right?

whoa…ain’t that a bitch…I just checked my hotmail…and I got a response…

You know, I’m probably far from what you would consider the most patriotic person in the world, but something happened tonight that just caused me to stop and think about all the patriotism and flag waving that is going on these days.

I took Alexander to his first Tiger Cubs meeting tonight. Yes, my boy is going into the Cub Scouts. That in and of itself is a pretty rocking thing, if you ask me. The leader started talking about camps that they go to and activities that they participate in, and I was sitting there flooded with memories from when I did all of those things the first time. My first Pine Wood Derby. My first camping trip. Earning my Arrow Of Light. Camp Seoul. These are all things that Alex has too look forward to, and I’m really excited to be able to watch him experience them.

HOWEVER…

They were having a “21 Gun Salute” ceremony at the church that sponsors his Tiger Cub pack. So at the end of the meeting we all go out to watch it. The “21 guns” were actually a single cannon that was about the size of a remote control car. Shot 21 times. By a guy wearing a tie dyed shirt. There were no guns. No military men. It was a sham of a ceremony.

And it pissed me off.

It pissed me off because of the fact that it seemed to me to be a pathetic sham to promote “patriotism.” The partner of the tie dyed wearing gunman making sure to catch it all on video. It included kids screaming and talking about how cool it was to see the gun shoot. It included adults talking the whole time. It was, basically, a really big joke.

And yet, despite all this, I stayed silent the whole time. I paid attention. I didn’t talk. I didn’t let Alex talk. I stared ahead and winced every time the gun went off. And I was pissed that I was the only one doing it.

And the funny fucking thing is that I’ll bet that the people watching this event with me..these church going, mostly conservative folks, would consider themselves more patriotic than I if you lined us up next to each other.

Fuckers.

Oh, yeah…and then, tonight, I was flipping channels and I landed on that 9/11 documentary. And watched the whole thing. So I’m a tad bit depressed now, thanks for asking.

Message my roommate took for me while I was in Tampa tonight :

“Scotty – Steve Neighbor. Fights w/Unice. So Funny. You’re comic relief.”

I’m going to be positive about this and have fun. I’m going to.

I’m just going to pout a little for now.

Have you ever felt used? Like a tampon? Like someone grabs you up when they are hurting, bleeds all over you, and then when they are done they just toss you into a garbage can and forget about you?

I’m tired of being an emotional tampon. I’m tired of people using me when they are hurting and then walking away from me when they are done. It happens too often. Way too often. I’m tired of being the scab player. Second best. Back up pitcher. Whatever you want to call it.

I don’t know what’s worse – The fact that I allow myself to get into these situations, or the fact that people take advantage of them?

And how on EARTH could someone be so blind as to put you through that and not acknowledge it afterwards. HOW? How is it that they can be so needy, and so grateful for your perceptiveness of that, and then turn a blind eye to the fact that they have shit on you?

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

So, I’ve been at home all day today. Sick as a dog. It hit me last night during the auditions for “Streetcar Named Desire”. Started coughing and just couldn’t seem to stop. When I went to bed last night I was coughing my fool head off, and it continued this morning. So, after I went and had my latest MRI, I came home and went back to bed. Can I afford it? No. Is it going to contribute to the second really shitty paycheck in a row? Yep. Can I help it? No. I mean, I went back to bed after my MRI and slept until 2. I’m basically in a kind of haze right now. No way I could have gone to work.

I think I may even have a fever. Joy of joys.

Ok….I finally went out and bought a windows 200 compatible web cam. When it’s up, I use Camarades to display my mug…sooo….

http://critusMCM.camarades.com/

I bought a pair of jeans for $1.98 today. Brand new jeans. From a store in the mall called Gadzooks. They had this table of super reduced clearance clothing, and they had a pair of jeans in my size for $1.98. I couldn’t believe it, nor could I pass it up. They’re kind of “raver” jeans, but I don’t give a damn. They only cost $1.98!

Like my recent Wal-Mart gushing, this yet again emphasizes to me how fucking much I love the fact that I’ve lost 170 pounds. Never, ever, would I have found a pair of size 60 jeans for $1.98. Nowhere. Not even a thrift store.

The whole shopping trip was amazing. That was the only item of clothing I bought, but I went into 4 different stores and tried on shirts. In the MALL.

Life is so different when you aren’t huge. Unfairly so, but that doesn’t mean I can’t relish in it.

I’ve been listening to The Cruxshadows almost non-stop since I got back from Dragon Con. What an amazing band. I have some of their lyrics from the song “Spectators” as my new signature line for e-mail :

“and everyone will say ‘I told you so’
yeah they’ll all just nod and sigh
but I’ll make a run at something real
and they’ll never even try
and everyone will say ‘I told you so’
yeah they’ll all just nod and sigh
as I go down in a ball of flames
they’ll just watch, I wonder why”

Oh man, wanna talk about missed opportunities?? Fieryredhead mentioned on her live journal that a guy dressed as Obi Wan came through the curtains at the costume contest singing “Come What May” to her and that she swooned. Damnit! I was going to do that, but I figured that a big bald guy in chains coming at her and singing “All You need is love!” would be a bit much! Grrr! I also don’t look a damn thing like Ewan. Could have been a bit much for her.

It could also be that I’m a big weenie.

It’s funny. I have NO problem being bold when I’m not the one with my ego on the line. I totally hooked Lee Lee up with a guy over the weekend by walking up to him and saying “Yo, dude. What’s your name? Jeff? Jeff, see that girl over there? She’s been sweating you all fucking weekend. Her name is Lee Lee. Go talk to her.” But when I’M the one who could get egg on his face I get all stupid. Feh.

Auditions for “Streetcar Named Desire” are tomorrow night. I’m going to get as rugged and “manly” as I can for the audition. Wear a wife-beater and my combat boots, probably won’t shave. I’d really like to play Stanley. Unfortunately, the fact that Scottie knows me might have me pegged for Mitch if I get cast. Which wouldn’t suck, but I would love to take a stab at that “Stella!!” line.