Monthly Archives: August 2022

I’ve had bad days. It’s just one of those.

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If this year had gone the way it was supposed to, I’d still be basking in the afterglow of a two-week vacation in Hawaii with my family right now. I’d be getting ready to head over to Tampa for a rehearsal of Picasso at the Lapin Agile. I’d be getting amped up about the fact that in less than two weeks I was taking my son to Dragon Con with me for the first time.

Edit: TripIt just did me the “kindness” of reminding me that we’d still be IN Hawaii right now. Sigh.

I could go on. The point is that, for me, 2022 has felt like a long line of “oh, you thought this cool thing was going to happen? NAH.” and it feels like it’s not going to get better any time soon. I mean, for the first time in almost ten years I actually expressed a desire to make a big deal out of my birthday in November (the last time I really did so was for my 40th…I’m ok with indulging myself on milestone birthdays) and now I’m like “well, will I be doing anything other than laying around and recovering from surgery and/or dealing with the side effects of the potential radiation therapy I’ll likely need after?”

I’m just not in the best place about all “this” today. The double whammy of cancer and COVID is just a bit more than my brain was ready to accept and feeling trapped in the house and unable to take care of myself isn’t helping.

Oh, hey…so speaking of…guess what is even more pronounced when you mix cancer with COVID? Fatigue! Yay! At least, that’s been the case for me. Mind you, fatigue and energy level issues are what started me down the path that led to my diagnosis in the first place.

I can do this all day

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So on Tuesday night I got to spend about 20 minutes in the Shimberg with a few old friends and some folks I was excited to start working with. I know it was only about 20 minutes because I tested positive for COVID-19 and had to go home.

Friends, I’m about at my wits end.

The symptoms came on pretty fast. They had already started when I tested positive, but I hadn’t thought twice about the fact that I had a sore throat because the day before I had an Endoscopy. My assumption is that my immune system was compromised due to the number of invasive tests I’ve had lately, including the colonoscopy I had last week that probably wiped all the good gut biomes out of my system.

The symptoms have been mild-ish I suppose, but they have knocked me on my ass. The most persistent symptom I’ve had has been an incredibly sore throat, which seemed to peak overnight last night. I barely slept at all because the pain kept waking me up. No respiratory issues of note, and the sinus stuff seems to have passed. Dry cough, made more painful by the sore throat. Sitting up for extended periods makes me tired and I’ve got brain fog. Doctors have me on Paxlovid because of the cancer and my diabetes.

So yeah, this has pretty much sucked. Lisa has been taking amazing care of me and has, thankfully, remained asymptomatic with negative daily test results. We’ve split the house in two and when she comes back here to bring me things she has a KN95 on with a cloth mask to boot.

And y’all thought I was in my feels about this cancer situation before? This here pity party is an all night rave with no seats and $20 bottles of water. Honestly, what really upsets me the most about all this is that it pushed back my appointment at Moffitt and I really wanted to get that out of the way so I could figure out how my treatment is going to impact our lives in the next few months.

Now here’s a positive thing about all this – Many of you who have known me for a while have probably heard me talk about my first programming mentor, Wendell, and how one of the most valuable lessons he taught me was not to put my job before my health (he taught me this lesson by example…he worked himself to death). I was in the middle of writing a text message to Lisa about how I was going to “power through” the work I had to do on Wednesday before taking the rest of the day off. I realized I was heading down the path Wendell did and stopped that line of thought cold. I’m not dying because of my job, especially since EVERY co-worker I have has done nothing but emphasize how I need to focus on getting better.

You know, it’s kinda funny to me how the same thing keeps popping up in my head and has for the last few years. I’ve said for a long time that while Spider-Man is the super hero I find most relatable, Captain America is the one that inspires me. It’s kinda his thing, really. That scene in Avengers: Endgame comes to mind often and has a lot over the last three years. Oh come on, you know the scene I’m talking about if you’ve seen it. Cap has had his ass handed to him, his shield is broken, his friends are incapacitated, and he has a whole army coming his way. But he grimaces through the pain, tightens his broken shield on to his arm, and stands up to face what is coming. He doesn’t say it, but it’s the ongoing thread of “I can do this all day” that he has throughout his entire story arc. That’s where I’m at right now.

And when I’m done with my surgery and on the other side of this I’m getting myself a shield for my office.

Last dance.

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The last few days have been rough on me. Lisa and I were talking about my tumor on Friday and trying to picture how big it was. We knew it was 14cm by 11cm by 2cm, but we use the imperial system of measurement and, for me at least, centimeters sound tiny. They are not as tiny as I thought. Roughly speaking, Phil (I have named it Phil because I felt like it) is roughly 7 inches by 5.5 inches by 2 inches.

That is a lot bigger than I had imagined. Although it explains why my oncologist was surprised it did not hurt when he pressed down on my abdomen.

The size of the tumor changes nothing about my diagnosis or my prognosis. I get that, intellectually. But it is a big leap to go from “hey there is this tiny thing on my pancreas that needs to be snipped out” to “this thing is taking up serious real estate in your guts.”

So yeah, I have been depressed. I am also being very maudlin, and I cannot help myself from continually wondering if this will be my last [insert thing here]. Will Picasso be my last show? Will Dragon Con be my last vacation? Will this be the last time I close my eyes and fall asleep? Will this be the last evening I spend with my wife? My family? My friends? Will this be my last cheeseburger, and if so why the hell did I purchase it at McDonald’s?? Will this be the last time I have to shave my ears?

Ok, that one would not be so bad.

I am also struggling mightily with having empathy for the struggles others are going through. This is not necessarily a new feeling. For the last three years I have had to resist the urge to respond to every complaint I heard with “ok, sure…but have you lost a son?” Now I get to add “do you have Steve Jobs killing cancer?” to that annoying voice in my head. I want to be selfish and in my feels and am really struggling to give a damn that someone may have gotten the wrong latte at their daily Starbucks stop. It is unfair and self-centered, especially considering that having empathy for people and their own personal struggles is kind of a big deal to me, but I have my moments regardless.

I think I am coming through the other side of it, but I am still feeling very emotionally heavy right now. I am hoping that I will feel better after my appointment at Moffitt next week, and in the interim I am very much looking forward to being back in the Shimberg tonight for the first time since before the pandemic started. I have missed it terribly, and I could use a little theater magic right about now.

Over saturation

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I’m very conscious of the fact that talking about this cancer situation constantly could be wearying or come across as some sort of effort to garner attention or sympathy. One of the things I have realized and accepted about myself in the last few years, though, is that sometimes talking about or sharing things that are going on in my life helps me process them. If I’m given the space to say “hey, this thing is challenging for me” and have that heard and acknowledged it makes it easier for me to figure out how to react.

It’s also just nice to be listened to sometimes.

But I don’t want to get annoying, so this is going to be the last update that I post about this situation that I consciously go out of my way to post to different social media feeds. WordPress allows me to automatically post my updates to my Twitter feed, and I intend to keep cross posting there. Or you can just bookmark my actual blog home page (does anyone even do that any more?).

Lisa has set up a private website where she will not only be aggregating my blog updates but posting more specific information about my treatment and recovery. If you would like information on how to access that site please reach out to one of us directly for information. We’re keeping access to that one pretty well controlled and will not be sharing the link publicly.

A few of you have asked how you can help. As of right now, we have everything we need and we already have a pretty hefty circle of friends and family who have volunteered to help us out with stuff around here if need be. We have excellent insurance and plenty of resources available to cover medical bills, so there isn’t a need to set up any kind of fund raising. If any of these things change we’ll absolutely let everyone know, but for right now we’re good. Promise. My priority in all of this is beating it, and I’m not going to let pride get in the way of doing that.

Once I have a treatment plan in hand we’ll sit down and figure out what the next few months look like for us, but for now this is what we know. Thanks again for all the support and positive thoughts.