Author Archives: Michael C. McGreevy

It’s called Gratitude, and that’s right.

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I’m going to take some time here to spread around some thanks. This particular little essay is going to be geared for specific people, and may not hold much interest for those of you who are not mentioned. I would also like to say that if I do not mention you here, it does not mean that I love or cherish your friendship any less than those mentioned below. I just need to take a moment and acknowledge a few people in particular.

Eve – The girl I never had a crush on in high school. It’s funny how proudly you wear that title. What is especially odd is that you are the one girl from high school that I am still very close to. I often wonder if the two have anything in common. You inspire me to try new things. To push the envelope of normality and see what lies on the other side of the looking glass. You even help me keep from feeling like an ass when I’m doing so (and comfortable int he knowledge that if I DO look like an ass, at least I’m not alone).

George – We don’t often discuss things like “feelings,” you and I. I mean, we talk about how we feel about other people (particularly how much we loathe them), but when it comes down to us things tend to go unsaid. You’ve been there for me, though. When I was down and things looked really bleak, you came along and made me remember that I had friends who were really looking forward to having me around. That meant so much. Some people might scoff at the fact that we have a fairly regular schedule of hanging out together, but to me it feels like spending time with family. Just something you are supposed to do. You, more than anyone, make me comfortable in my “geekness,” and what’s more you help me reel it in when I start to go over the edge.

Linda – I am mentioning you in your very own paragraph intentionally. I think that far too often you get mentioned only as part of the “George AND Linda” statement. Of course, that IS how I met you. And that IS how our friendship began. You are, however, as equally important to me as George is, and I value your friendship as much as his. I love to make you laugh, because you have such a natural, easy laugh. That’s a gift, and if you never lose it you’ll have an entire life of making those around you happier. Even those who are convinced you are going to Hell.

Brooks – You inspired me to excel in my career, and you gave me the motivation I needed to do so. By telling me that not only could I do what I’m doing, but that I could do it well, you have me the fuel I needed to finally get a career that I could not only be happy with, but that I could live comfortably in. You also inspire me as a Father. Not by any of your actions per se, but by your enthusiasm about my being a good Father to Alex. You’ve been there so many times to tell me how good a job I was doing, and to keep on that path. Your admiration of my parenting skills has often been a rock when I was wondering if I was doing a good job with my kids.

Ranney – You inspire the artist in me. Even if I don’t actually do anything about it, you make me remember that it’s within me, and that it would take very little to tap it and bring it out. You also make me look beyond what I consider to by my normal realm of entertainment. You dare me to look at something new and challenge me to not get into a rut of the same old routine. You also give me someone to be a fanboy to, because one day I know with out a doubt that I’ll get to say “ranney? Hell, child…I knew that man back in the day…”

Susan – What can I say about someone who so frequently does wonders to my self-esteem and does it without ever putting her tongue in her cheek. When you tell me what a sexy man I am, I know you mean it and you aren’t just telling me to make me feel better. It’s so very comforting to see you, because you are always so genuinely happy when you see a friend. It’s nice to know that there is someone out there that can get so much joy from just saying hello.

Well, I could continue down the list, but the individuals above have made some very real and significant impacts on my life recently, and I wanted to take the time to thank them. To paraphrase Jack Nicoholson from “As Good As It Gets,” you all make me want to be a better person. You are my muses, and my life is a little more special because you are in it.

And that’s enough for the love fest…We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Some thoughts on depression

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There are times when I look deep within myself and I ask “Why do you even care?” Tonight is one of those times. I’m depressed. This seems to be happening to me often lately. My ex used to accuse me of being bipolar, so while I was sitting here tonight feeling mopey I decided to look the condition up. Here is what WebMD had to say.

Bipolar disorder results in pathological mood swings from mania to depression, with a tendency to recur and remit spontaneously. Either the manic or the depressive episodes can predominate and produce few mood swings, or the patterns of mood swings may be cyclic. In bipolar disorder (manic), the manic phase is the current or most recent phase of the illness. The manic phase is characterized by elation, hyperactivity, over-involvement in activities, inflated self-esteem, a tendency to be easily distracted, and little need for sleep. The manic episodes may last from several days to months. In the depressive phase there is inertia, loss of self-esteem, withdrawal, sadness, and a risk of suicide. In either phase, there is frequently a dependence on alcohol or other substances of abuse. The disorder appears between the ages of 15 and 25 and affects men and women equally. The cause is unknown, but hereditary and psychological factors may play a role. The incidence is higher in relatives of people with bipolar disorders.

Sadly, I am not so sure she is wrong. I seem to have been in a high point for the last few months. Boundless energy. Undying optimism. The knowledge that everything was going well and going to continue to get better. In the last week or so I’ve watched all of that come crashing down around me. Not in any real sense, but mentally. I feel defeated. I feel hopeless. I feel like I’m wasting my time even attempting to better my life.

What’s worse is that this is all making me want to drink. Badly. I haven’t touched alcohol in almost a year, but not because of any sort of drinking problem. Because of a skin condition that I have that is irritated by alcohol. I’ve always avoided serious drinking on a regular basis, though, because my father was an alcoholic. So in times like this when I start really CRAVING a drink I get worried that the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree on that one.

Christ, sometimes I feel like such a fucking mess. What’s worse is that I feel bad telling anyone about it. I feel like I am dumping my problems on them, or that I am going to be perceived as only saying something to get attention or sympathy. I should probably see a psychiatrist, but right now I really can’t afford it. I just had that confirmed today.

Oh, yeah. Another bright note to my day. I got my divorce paperwork in the mail today. There I held in my hands a stack of papers nullifying the last five years of my life. “Sign on the dotted line, son, and I’ll make all your problems go away.” I hate the fact that I’m getting divorced. I FUCKING HATE IT. No matter how many times I tell myself that the marriage was a sham. No matter how much better off I am without her. I still hate it. It wasn’t supposed to end this way.

I was a good husband. I’ll never stop believing that. I did everything I could, and for nothing. In the end, I was replaced by someone who was more exciting than me.

Well kids, I’m off to Never-Never Land to try and find my Happy Thoughts, because right now I can’t fly, and I can’t fight, and I certainly can’t crow.

They say the neon lights are bright…

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R.I.P. Uncle Critus’ Farm.

Yeah, I finally decided to give up on the whole forum thingy. I guess it’s just not as appealing of an idea as I thought it would be. I mean, I hardly ever went in there. I guess I can’t expect any one else to do the same. So I’ve removed the link off the home page. May she die a quiet, peaceful death.

In other news…

Over the weekend I rediscovered a part of myself. It’s so nice when that happens. I’ve lost little bits and pieces of what I loved about me over the years, and it’s such a wonderful feeling to find one of those little lost pieces, tucked away deep inside the recesses of my soul. I dust them off, say hello, and bring them back to light.

So what I found was my love for Broadway.

This is never something that fully went away, mind you. I’ve had several copies of the same shows for years. I’ve mentioned before, though, that when my wife was with me she never wanted to listen to music. If she did, she didn’t want it to be loud. So I got out of the habit of listening to my music. Well, just a few weeks ago I went with Eve to our friend Bretts house. While hanging out with there Brett started playing the piano for us and asking for suggestions. So I started looking through her song books and I found a copy of the music for Aspects Of Love. I expressed my joy at having found it, and Brett said something to the effect of “Oh cool, is he a Broadway Geek?!?!”

Why is it that I’m always a geek no matter what I do??

But anyway, we got to talking a bit about shows, and it got me wanting to start listening to them again. Not only that, but it made me want to get back some of the music I had (Aspects, for one…that went the other way in the divorce. As did Les Miserables). So I went on a quest this weekend for some show tunes. I got a copy of Cats and Aspects of Love. I even bought the soundtrack for the new musical version of The Producers. I spent the rest of Saturday and most of Sunday with the stereo on and singing show tunes at the top of my lungs.

It was really cool.

I think the coolest part, though, was that my son Alex was really into it too. He was singing along with me, when he could figure out the words. He REALLY seemed to like The Phantom Of The Opera (I wonder why that is? My nephew Fred loved it when he was Alex’s age, too!). So now I get to share my love for Broadway with my Son. I’m seeing a New York show trip sometime within the next few years.

No neat conclusion to this. Yet another “snapshot” of my daily existence.

A moment of weakness

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I just realized that the first anniversary of my little Web Site here just came and went and I didn’t even notice. I wrote the first Soapbox on May 31st of 2000, and here it is just over a year later and I’m still plugging away at it. It’s still for about 5 people (and I’m probably being generous to myself), but hey it’s still here. I’ve moved from a free service to a bona fide domain in that time frame, and as a general rule I’m pretty happy with the way the site has evolved. So I’d like to take a moment to thank those of you who stop by on a regular basis to see what I’ve been up to. It’s kind of nice to know that my little life is something that people find amusing, even if it is only every once in a while.

So with that, I will now go off on yet another pointless rant about the futility that is being me.

You see, yesterday my old pal Eve updated her rant page, and it got me to thinking about the same kind of things she was wondering.

Essentially, what the hell is wrong with me?

Other than the obvious, that is.

I seem, for some reason, to be absolutely incapable of attracting a woman with whom I would be compatible for a long-term relationship.

Now, this is generally something that I blame on my weight, which I realize is a big problem. Hell, I’ve lost 50 pounds since the middle of January, and I think you could say it’s honestly hard to tell (unless you see me every day). That’s a LOT of weight to lose, and yet it’s only about 1/4 of the total amount that I’m going for. That little fact can be daunting at times, but I’m still plugging away at it.

Other than that, though, I figure I’m a hell of a catch. I am not an ugly man by any stretch of the imagination. I am funny. I am smart. I am always willing to try new things and meet new people. I can be totally insane at the drop of a hat. I sing out loud in public. I sing even louder in private. I make good money. I have a house (with a hot tub, no less). I am one hell of a father. I give backrubs and footrubs. I do dishes, laundry and can even do my share of the cooking. I love people and being social, and I give great dinner parties.

Jesus, I just realized I would make a great homosexual. Guess it’s too bad my tastes don’t wander in that direction.

So my drawbacks are that I’m fat and I’m a geek. One of those things I can do something about, and I AM doing something about. I’ve been thinner before, though, and the relationship that came from that state of physical health did not last when the weight came back on. I cannot guarantee anyone that once I lose this weight it won’t come back. I’ll probably be struggling with my weight for the rest of my life. So if I meet someone when I’m thin, what’s to say she won’t bail on me if I balloon out again??

Then there is the geek thing. I’m really not that much of a geek. I’m not so bad that I think Star Trek Conventions are the height of culture. I shower on a regular basis. I can have a conversation that doesn’t involve the intricate subplots and scheming of the fifth season of Babylon 5. I cannot, however, deny that I am firmly rooted in that which many people consider to be of a geekish nature. If I deny that, I deny who I am, and I’ve done that before with horrible results.

I don’t know what the point to all of this is. I’m lonely, and I’m sick of it.

Blah. I can’t even think of a clever way to end this.

The loss of a friend and the self doubt it caused.

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In High School I had this friend. I’ll call her Jen, because that was her name. Jen was one of my better friends back then. We spent hours on the phone, sometimes every day. We shared secrets, dreams, fears. Everything that good friends do.

So it only goes without saying that I did with Jen what I did with every female friend I had in High School. I fell madly in love with her.

For those of you who don’t know me, this was a pretty common thread of mine. I’d meet a female, she would look at me, and I’d fall in love with her. Sometimes she didn’t even have to look at me.

I made a lot of good friends really uncomfortable with this trend of mine. Girls who really wanted to be my friend couldn’t because the smallest amount of attention that they would pay to me instantly became them “sending me signals” that they liked me. It’s something I’m horribly embarrassed about, and whenever I think on it I shake my head in shame at the pathetic person that I was back then.

But I digress…

I wanted to write about Jen because she is one of the few people who I knew in high school that doesn’t like me anymore. In fact, for a while there I think it was fairly safe to say that she hated me.

This bothers me. Profoundly.

I strive to be a good person. I try and make a positive impact on the people around me. Generally, I think I’m successful in this endeavor, but Jen is one of the few people that seem to genuinely dislike me.

What’s worse is that she has valid reasons.

The first was from high school. When I was pulling my “oh I love you” routine on her, I went through my standard pattern of utter depression when she rejected my clumsy and awkward advances. Apparently, during one of our conversations about this, I mentioned wanting to die. I may even have gone so far as to say I was going to kill myself. Jen stayed up all night worrying about me. She kept trying to call me to see if I was ok, and I didn’t answer the phone. She was convinced I had done something to myself. So the next day at school, she asks my friend Beau if I was ok. His response? “Yeah, he’s fine. We were playing Dungeons and Dragons all night. Why?”

So Jen spent all night worrying about me, and I was off pretending to be Thockwoddle the Archer and fighting the forces of evil.

You know what’s worse about this? I don’t remember it happening. At all. I remember being “in love” with her, and I remember being distraught over her not feeling the same way. But suicide threats? I don’t remember doing it. So not only did I put her through a night of hell, I don’t even have the common courtesy to remember it.

So you can imagine her displeasure with me.

Cut to several years later. I hadn’t seen Jen since I graduated from high school, but we ran into each other at a Halloween party for a mutual friend. A friend who had recently broken up with a close friend of mine who I was in regular contact with (he had recently moved to New York). Jen was, apparently, willing to let bygones be bygones and start fresh with me. We greeted each other, traded small talk and “how are you’s.” Everything seemed fine. Then the hostess asked me a question about her ex boyfriend.

For the record (and this probably makes me seem really stupid again), I don’t remember what the question and answer exchange was. I think it was as simple as “Does he ask about me?” Now, how do I answer a question like that? If I say yes, she gets her hopes up that he still likes her. If I tell her the truth and say no, she thinks that she didn’t mean anything to him.

I took the ethical high road and lied. I told her no. You see, if I had told her the truth, I would have told her that he called her an insane bitch. I would have told her that he said I should try and get her to give me head because she was really good at it. I would have told her that he had wanted to break up with her a long time before he had, but didn’t because he really didn’t have anything better to go with and she was nice to fuck every once in a while. I didn’t think she needed to hear that, nor did I want to make up a whole pack of lies about how he had asked about her. So I said no.

There was no way I could get out of the question without hurting her somehow, and sure enough she spent the next hour or so holed up in her room crying. Jen saw this, saw that I hurt her friend, and decided that I was still a shithead and not worth her time.

I really can’t say I blame her, considering our track record. I just wish it wasn’t the case. Jen meant a lot to me in high school, and whenever I hear about what she is up to I get a pang or regret knowing what I lost.

And it makes me wonder…

Like most people, I wonder about myself. I try to be a good person, but I wonder if I’m doing it because I AM a good person or because I am serving my own need by being so. I guess my question is, do all of my friends know the real me?

Or does Jen?

On bed making and Valentine’s Day

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I made my bed this morning.

This may not seem like a very monumental thing to you, but it’s important to me. It has been for over a year now.

Valentine’s Day is two days from now, and while I understand that it is a largely commercial holiday with no real significance in the grand scheme of things, I always tried to make a big deal out of it for my wife. I wanted it to be special. Romantic. The first Valentine’s Day we spent together, I made her a white pizza with fresh vegetables from scratch. I went out and bought some wine and new candles. I fed her dinner on the floor of my room with the candles burning and soft music gently playing in the background. When we were done eating, I read her some of my favorite poetry.

She gave me a t-shirt with “horny devils” having sex all over it.

The last Valentine’s Day we spent together was during the midst of our eventual breakup, when she was having an ongoing relationship with me and her current lover. I really tried. Really wanted it to be significant. I wanted her to see how important she was to me, in the hopes that she might decide that, once again, I was enough for her. I spent days looking for the right gift. In the end, I bought her a gold necklace that had three gold animals on it, one for each of the three animal totems that she believes influence her life. I made her a card that expressed my feelings, my love for her. I took her out to dinner.

She gave me a card and a necklace with my animal totem on it. Funny coincidence, that. She gave the exact same thing to her lover. Thing was, the poem she put in the card she made for the lover had some sort of personal meaning that was so deep I wasn’t allowed to read it. The one she put in mine was something common and forgettable. I think it was the Browning “How Do I Love Thee?” poem.

Ed. Note – Thanks to my always watchful buddy Eve for pointing out the proper source of “How Do I Love Thee?” In my first posting I had improperly credited Shakespeare for writing it. My bad!

I knew then, of course, that we were destined to fail. That in the end she was going to abandon everything we had and run off to be with him. Even if he didn’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day. Sure enough, she did. When I finally asked her to choose between us because I couldn’t handle being second fiddle anymore, she left me. One month before our 5th anniversary.

The day after she left, I made my bed. I’ve done so every morning since.

You see, my marriage to her was full of compromises. Mostly on my part. Of course, I’m sure that if you ask her opinion on the subject, you will get quite a different story, but that doesn’t bother me. I know the truth, and I’ve been told it enough by the friends who didn’t come around when I was with her that I believe it. I don’t think I asked for much. I helped with the cooking and the cleaning. I did more than my share of taking care of our son. I let her decide what movies we were going to see or what television shows we were going to watch. I let her decide where we were going to live. I gave her as much control as I possibly could.

One of the only things I ever asked her to do for me was to make the bed. Before I met her, I made my bed every day. I find it very comforting to get into a made bed at night, and I really think it sets the tone for your home. If you make the bed every day, it’s easier to keep the rest of the house clean. Call me crazy, but I really think this is true. I almost always was out of bed before her every day, so it’s only natural to assume that she would be the one to make the bed.

In our almost seven years together, I don’t think she made the bed once.

I cite this as an example of how little give and take there was in our relationship. Everything was her way or else. Ironically, I was content with that. I didn’t mind giving up control or compromising on my ideals as long as the family stayed together. That, unfortunately, wasn’t enough to keep her happy, and she moved on.

So here comes Valentine’s Day. My first one “alone” since 1994. I’ll probably be moody about it, and I’m sure I’ll dwell on what “they” are doing and how unfair the whole situation. I will eventually remember, though, that I am happier without her. That for the first time in years I am in control of my destiny again. That I do not have to compromise who I am or what I love in order to make someone happy. That I was simply not meant to be with her.

And that when I get home that night, my bed will be made.

Some news for those of you that are curious…

The weight loss is going very well. I have been on Weight Watchers for a little over 3 weeks now, and I’ve already lost 19.6 pounds! Hooray for me!

I GOT A NEW JOB! Yes, I’m finally out from under the oppressive yoke of Auction Broker Software. I have almost doubled my income, and I’m working for a company that actually conducts themselves in a professional manner. Go figure! More on this one later…

Rest In Peace Uncle Critus’ Farm

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Well gang, I’m pretty sure my days as a Net-J are over. It was nice while it lasted, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to keep producing the show. I am pretty stretched for time as it is, and it takes a bit of work for me to get one of the shows together. Top that with the fact that I have no guarantee that my show will go up on time or at all, and you’ll see why I came to my conclusion. I can’t say for sure yet. I need to talk to the woman who convinced me to start the show in the first place and give her a chance to change my mind if she wants, but it looks like Uncle Critus’ Farm is going to be foreclosed on by the gub-mint.

Hey, it was fun while it lasted. Of course, you might now that if you actually LISTENED to it (you know who you are).

In other news, I have decided to archive my older rants onto a separate page and order them chronologically. You’ll find a list below of all the archived articles with hyperlinks to them.

For those of you interested in my health, I started Weight Watchers two days ago. Yay for me! I figured it was high time I went and did something about all the excess Critus that is floating around, and Weight Watchers seemed like the logical way to go. I’ve lost weight before, hell I’ve lost a LOT of weight before, but I did it with fad diets that made me gain it all back as soon as I stopped following them. Not good. I need to lose it for real this time, and I think I’m going to do it. Besides, following my pattern of healthy behavior it’s time I think. Last time I lost weight, I quit smoking first (done), then I got caught up with my dentist (also done), and I was single (unfortunately, that’s the case too). So following that pattern, the next logical step is weight loss. Simple, isn’t it?

I’ve got some other good news pending, but as of this point I’m holding off on announcing it. Don’t want to jinx anything.

Oh, and for those of you who were asking about the “big thing” in my January 11th rant. First of all, it wasn’t anything bad or another major illness or anything, contrary to what some of you thought. I simply thought perhaps something might come about that might turn out to be very cool. It didn’t, and I’m pretty sure at this point it won’t, but it’s all good.

Well anyway, time for me to mosey on buckaroos. Thanks, as always, for tuning in. One final thing, though. If you haven’t yet, take a moment to go to my Delphi forum and post some comments there. It’s been dead for months, and that’s partly my fault, but there really aren’t a lot of people going there to check it out. So log on over and write some of your own profoundness, ok???

If I acknowledge this it won’t be true

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I’ve been staring at this blinking cursor for about 20 minutes now, all sorts of things swirling through my head and nothing pouring onto the screen. Which is especially bad considering that I’m at work at the moment. I’m on lunch, so I’m not all that much of a schlub, but I still look stupid sitting here and staring at my monitor.

Something happened to me last night that could possibly have a profound effect on my life, but I’m afraid to talk about it. I’m afraid to think about it. I’m afraid that if I even acknowledge the possibilities that last night’s events revealed to me I will make them disappear.

So instead I stare at a blank screen and try and think of something witty to write.

And it’s just not happening.

Oh well, I’ll try again tomorrow.

Today is my son’s fifth birthday!

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Today is my son’s fifth birthday! Happy Birthday to Alex.

Now, about me…

This is pretty much just a news update. I don’t plan on being too philosophical today.

Yesterday I made the plunge and actually upgraded to bona fide  ownership of the critus.net name. I also moved from my free hosting with Road Runner to a full fledged hosting agreement. Why? No reason that I can pin down as a definite. I’m not getting a huge amount of traffic or anything. I just felt it was time to make a real commitment to my web site.

Maybe now I’m going to show up on some of the damn search engines.

There are some things I’m working on to add to the site, as well as other projects. I am developing a Web Site for a Tampa Bay area comedian named “ranney,” that should be live within a few weeks. If you have the time, watch what I’m doing over there and feel free to add constructive criticism. You can find the Site at www.itsranney.com.

I’m also working on a Cold Fusion based resume program that I hope will go live within the next few months. I’m not going to put the link to it up yet, though, because it’s hardly developed at all and I don’t want anyone to mess it up yet. There will be time for that soon enough.

I’d also like to take a moment to point out that I have started a forum at delphi.com for general message posting of all sorts. I’m going to work on some links and graphics to promote the site, and I’ll make a more “formal” announcement about it soon. Until I do, feel free to visit Uncle Critus’ Farm and poke around.

That’s it for now! Thanks to the few of you who check the page on a regular basis! Watch for changes soon!

A bit about my wonderful son.

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There are times when absolutely nothing in the world can top being a parent.

I just got finished putting my son to bed. We read from his favorite book, “Where The Sidewalk Ends” by Shel Silverstein. I don’t always read to him at night. Sometimes I’m too tired, or I have things to do, or I have a headache. I try to make it a habit, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Whenever I do, though, he is so grateful. He will jump up and down and shout “hooray!” like the greatest thing in the world just happened to him. I like Shel Silverstein, too. Unfortunately I didn’t really discover him until I was in high school (although I do seem to recall The Giving Tree).

Alex is sick right now, so after I read to him I gave him some medicine and rubbed Vicks Vap-O-Rub on his chest. I remember how soothing that was when I was a boy. How sometimes I almost WANTED to be sick so that my mother would put some on me. It’s yet another in a long line of magical moments that pass between parents and children. Small moments, but things that last a lifetime.

Christmas is coming, too. I’m so excited. I love Christmas, and it’s so much better with my son. Seeing how excited he is when he gets his presents. Taking him to see Santa Claus. Doing the cookies and milk thing. It makes ME feel like a child again. I’m going to lose sleep over Christmas, but not just because I’m wondering how on Earth I’m going to pay for all the stuff I get him, but because I’m EXCITED about giving it to him. Isn’t that amazing?

There’s no real point to this one, gang. No moral to this story. Snapshot of my thoughts on a Thursday evening. G’nite.