I am in a very, very strange state of mind right now.

Everything is going very well for me. Things are finally in order. Life is looking up.

But I feel unsatisfied. I’m totally umotivated. The weight loss is starting to slip. I’ve gained 7 pounds in the last month. Can’t convince myself to get up in the morning to exercise, or to go to bed early enough so that isn’t so much of a struggle. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to do…anything. Of course, this is coming right as I get ready to go into rehearsals for Cloud 9. I hope I can shake this attitude before then, or it’s going to be a very painful process.

I’ve been working on my lines. Doing ok with them, I suppose. Never tried to memorize all of my lines in a show before without having many rehearsals with the book in my hand. I find it awkward. I memorize a lot by repetition, and going over a scene again and again with my fellow actors helps me to do that. I don’t just remember my lines, but I remember what and how they say leading up to it. I have to do this now with just my voice in my head.

So yeah. Bit on the odd side.

Since I’ve been trying to stay away from the whole “random acts of sex” thing, I’ve suddenly found myself facing some things that, apparently, I was trying to hide from myself, and at a time when I’m feeling isolated for some reason I just want to pull further back into my shell.

And so it goes…

Apparently I’m having a movie night at my house next Sunday.

Amazing. Now the parties are planning themselves.

I actually have business cards for Neon Samurai now.

Weird.

Ok. So. My first day was…really boring.

Exceedingly so.

I spent most of it in training. Training that included some sort of video course geared towards tellers. All about cutsomer service. You know, because I’m going to be talking to SO many customers in my job. I did my best to stay awake. Even ate a few krispy kreme doughnuts. Didn’t really work, though.

Oh, but I found out something incredibly cool today. I knew that this company put 8% into retirement funds, but I thought it was matching. I was wrong. There are two different types of accounts. They put 5% into one, and 3% into another – regardless of how much you invest in them. So, even if I put NOTHING into those accounts, I’ll still get the equivalent of 8% of my gross income invested for me each year.

Can I say again how much I’m loving this job?

Well, today is the day. New job. New direction in life. Actually got up with the alarm (ok, two alarms and a wake up call from Verizon) this morning. Walked two miles. Getting ready to go smoke a cigarette and take a shower. Should be out of the house by 7. At work very early. This is a good thing.

While I was walking this morning, the song “Black” by Pearl Jam came across my head phones. I found that somewhat symbolic. I lost my virginity to that song. That started a new chapter in my life. So does the fact that I’m starting this job today.

Went to Sam’s birthday party yesterday. It was a simple gathering of some of Sam’s friends, sitting around eating and talking, and exactly what Sam wanted. I have to admit, surrounding yourself by your friends is truly a great way to celebrate your birthday. But my friends are allowed to bring me crap if they want to.

I played quite a bit of Everquest this weekend, and you know what? I don’t feel bad about it at all. I had a great time, and I didn’t spend money going out that I didn’t have (like I did on Friday night). I think the one serious advantage I see to a game like Everquest is that at the very least you are still being social. Sure, it’s sitting in your house by yourself social, but there ARE real people on the other side of the screen. Last night I got to hang out with Annie for a while in game. That was cool. We really haven’t talked much or played together since she came down to visit. Things got a little strange there for a few days after that, but we seem to be getting along well again. Hope that keeps up. I really enjoy her company.

I have, yet again, found the Tori Amos shirt I have been chasing after for almost two years now. I put a bid up on it last week. I set my max bid at 50 bucks. If someone is going to snipe me for more than that they can have the fucking thing. Yes, I know, that is a lot of money to spend on a concert t-shirt. But I had three shirts that I loved when I lost weight the first time. My Tori shirt, my Jello Biafra shirt, and my King Missle shirt. I have replaced the Jellol shirt. I still need to find the other two. It’s a very symbolic purchase. It’s like I see it as getting back everything I had before, and being prepared to move on from there. Except my hair. Don’t think that is coming back anytime soon.

Ok, it’s off to the shower for me. I’ll update when I get home!

Ok, there are no flying monkeys. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

torchy and thoemeringue came over for dinner on Thursday night. It was a hell of a lot of fun. I met Torchy on the Bad Girl Swirl board, and have been talking to her for the better part of a year. I introduced her to Thoemeringue (who used to give me a lot of shit for the number of Swirlers I chatted with during the day…of course, that DID end up causing drama…one more in the right column for Eve). They hit it off really well, and so Torchy came up to stay with her for the weekend after a hellish conference in Miami.

Torchy is an awesome person, and one of my friends who likes me enough to not bullshit me and tell it to me straight when she thinks I’m doing something stupid. So are Thoemeringue and ross_winn. They were all here on Thursday. They decided to turn their attention on my behavior in the last few months.

It sucked. It was highly embarassing.

But they were right.

I’m not going to solve anything with sex, and I’m not making myself any happier by having the meaningless kind.

I think I’m done for a while.

I gave up the alcohol. Bought wine for Thursday night. Had none. Went to the Castle last night with depotmode. Drank a Red Bull. Danced my bald ass off. Saw Patti/Trish. Met some friends of Chris’ who I know I’ve met somewhere before (help me out gang…anyone in the Rennie crowd named Andy who has an older husband named Steve? Really cool gothy girl who lives in New Port Richey?). Remembered that is is ok to go out and not drink.

So I can give up meaningless sex and the pursuit of it.

I think.

Maybe I need to get that book from Misha.

Ok, so anyway…

I got an email from a friend who recently discovered my journal, found something I wrote about her, and took great offense at it. I’m incredibly bummed out about this. For one, the context of what I wrote is not the way she interpreted it, but I didn’t really make that abundantly clear in the posting. I also made some assumptions about my readers (that they knew certain facts about her) that are not necessarily the case, and thus would make her look much worse than the actually is. I’d get more specific, but I think the sheer fact that I wrote about her at all was also an issue. I wrote her back. Apologized. Explained what I meant when I said what I said. Haven’t heard back from her.

And thus, the “Live Journal is Evil” theory has more evidence thrown in to support it.

I’m a jobless bum this weekend, and I’m acting like it. Fair warning. Nothing will be accomplished between now and Sunday night.

Oh, except for laundry…and I have to change my sheets out and wash them…do some dishes…DAMNIT

Alright. Now. I went to see X-Men 2 with depotmode, dawaioser, donwaughesq and Laura (my roommate’s co-worker). ross_winn and his son John were supposed to go, but he got called in to work. I tried really hard to convince John to stay with me to see the movie, but he wanted his dad to stay. He was not accepting the “go home, or stay here with Mike” choice. The ONLY choice in John’s world was “Dad stays and we all see the movie.” Which I honestly would have preferred myself, but I understand why he left. Still, it absolutely broke my heart to see John crying as Ross walked away with him. Can’t imagine it was any easier for him.

Sometimes being a parent and making the firm decisions really sucks ass.

Due to an emergency with a friend, Ross brought John over here to sleep on Thursday night. I thought he would pick him up and take him home when he was done, but when I woke up on Friday they were both sleeping in Alex’s bed. It was one of the cutest things I have ever seen in my life. I took pictures of it for hel_ana. They didn’t come out so hot, but the general purpose of my taking them was achieved (she got to see her two favorite men in a completely natural setting, at the exact moment that they were in it).

I am now going to put my thoughts on X-Men 2 in my journal. These thoughts are going to be laced with fan-boy orgasms and HUGE spoilers for not only this move but quite possibly the next one. If you haven’t seen this one, and want NO clue as to what is going to happen in the next one, do NOT look behind the cut.

I warned you.