I really did not have a master plan in mind when I sat down to write this post. Because it is me, I knew I wanted to write a post to mark my 50th birthday. I also felt that I should put an update out there around my cancer status. These two things are Big Deals in my life right now, so they got mashed together into what is going to be a very stream-of-consciousness type of post.
I will start with the health stuff. Last Wednesday I met with my new oncologist at Moffitt. For those of you who skim the headlines for the important details, all the testing I have had done since July has reaffirmed my original diagnosis. I have a well differentiated neuroendocrine tumor on the head of my pancreas. It is approximately 13cm by 11cm by 2cm. It has been growing for a very long time, has not metastasized, and is not posing an immediate threat to my life. In fact, if it had not been discovered during an unrelated ultrasound of my circulatory system, I still would not know it was there. This is not to say that it would not eventually become a health risk. These types of tumors release lots of hormones that cause other health issues (in my case it may be the cause of my Type II diabetes), and they can eventually grow to a point where they start interfering with the functions of the organs they are coming into contact with (also something I have run into, but I was unaware of why).
The meeting I had on Wednesday was primarily to determine how to go about getting my body ready for the surgery necessary to remove the tumor. There were two options on the table – radiation and chemotherapy. The goal of either option was to shrink the tumor so that there was less contact with the surrounding organs. Radiation would have been a more aggressive type of therapy, but (for reasons that I am not entirely clear on and ultimately do not matter) I am not a candidate for that type of therapy. My oncologist also does not feel it is necessary to put me through intense chemotherapy that would require a port to be installed and multiple visits to a medical facility. What I will be receiving instead is pill-based chemotherapy I can do at home that is minimally invasive with few major side effects. The tumor is made up of two different components. There is a hard, “solid” tumor that is surrounded by a larger, fluid-filled one. The chemotherapy should shrink the hard tumor, and a procedure will follow to aspirate and drain the fluid from the larger area. All of which is designed to make it easier to get the entirety of the mass removed surgically.
Which is all wonderful news. Unless you are me.
This type of therapy takes a long time to be effective. In setting my expectations for what I am facing, my doctor said it could be up to a year before we know if the treatments are making a difference. This is, honestly, not the answer I wanted.
I want this to be over, friends. I’m tired of being tired. Tired of worrying about how this is going to impact my life. Tired of every plan I make having a big asterisk on it that indicates “depending on how I feel at the time.” Tired of feeling like this whole situation is a huge burden on everyone around me. Just…tired.
I broke down and had a good cry over this whole thing on Saturday when I realized that I did not have the energy or will to deal with the stress surrounding going to an event I had been looking forward to for months. I am also looking ahead to the next year and realizing that I am going to have to plan the things I do even more carefully, and I am likely to be forced to continue my hiatus from acting as my therapy cycles are not going to be conducive to rehearsing.
The cry I had on Saturday was cathartic, though, and I knew that once the initial shock of what I heard on Wednesday wore off I would start to feel better about things. The news was GOOD news. My prospects are still wonderful. I have a long road ahead of me and it is not going to be easy, but I have no reason to think the outcome will be anything but positive.
Which leads me to my 50th birthday. Today.
While I was out for my walk this morning, I found a $1 bill on the ground of the park I go to. I am considering it a sign. I am putting it with my collectibles in my office and I am saving it until I am officially declared cancer-free. I realize I cannot really buy much for one dollar today, and I will likely be able to buy even less ten years from now, but that is my plan anyway.
I had a wonderful celebration yesterday with some of my family members and several friends who I have known since I was a teenager. I had some of my favorite foods. I received some lovely gifts and even lovelier cards with some sentiments in them that moved me to the core.
This morning I received a birthday present from my wife that absolutely blew me away beyond any expectations I may have had. It is so perfect I am not sure any gift I have ever received, or will receive in the future, will top it. Tonight, she is taking me to Ruth’s Chris Steak House for dinner. While we have had to scale back a few of the activities we planned for the rest of my birthday month, we still have a lot of exciting things to look forward to this weekend and beyond.
My life is fulfilling. I am happy. I am surrounded by good people who love me.
Everything else is noise.
I’m excited to see what the next fifty years bring.