“This is my life now”

Posted on by
1

I know I’ve been talking a lot recently here on ye olde blogge about my continued path toward recovery from my surgery last year. Part of that is because I’m frankly happy about the fact that I’m starting to feel like my old self again, but a bigger part of it is because I’m struggling with the notion that for a very long time it seemed like feeling awful was just going to be my life now. That if I ever got to a point of “normality” again it would be due to the fact that I had just learned to live with the changes I had gone through.

While that is the case to an extent it is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

I also am struggling with the fact that there were people in my orbit who were making me feel like I should just get over it. That I was wallowing in self-pity.

I’m going to pause and be very clear now in stating right here that my wife is not who I am talking about.

In October of last year, a little over a month before I got back from the hospital, I went to a social outing with some friends. I really wanted to go. I needed to be around people after two months of being trapped in a hospital and another month of recovering at home. I was still carrying around some of the water weight I had gained while I was in the hospital, and I had discovered a whole new world of pain and discomfort where basically anything I ate caused me massive amounts of distress. I was weak, and I was tired all the time, and I was pretty miserable. But, as I said, I wanted to be there. I wanted to be around friendly faces and thank some of the people who had supported me throughout my ordeal.

Apparently I didn’t do a good enough job of putting on a happy face and several people commented to my wife that I looked terrible and suggested that maybe she should take me home. I guess I was putting a damper on the good time or something. One associate of ours even went so far as to tell my wife that I had said “this is my life now” when she expressed concern for me and opined that I was wallowing in self-pity.

I was trying to be funny. Guess I failed.

In any case, this is one of the things I’ve been carrying around that I’ve decided to set down. My recovery has taken as long as it needed to take. I’m getting better. I’m feeling good.

But I’m not apologizing for the fact that for a good while there I wasn’t, and I appreciate the people in my life who didn’t make me feel like a burden for not being a ray of sunshine after having a good portion of my guts yanked out of my body.

All caught up

Posted on by
1
An empty to-do list

I keep all of my recurring chores and tasks in my reminders on my iPhone. I have been paying catch up on these chores since I got back from the hospital last August, but last week I finally got caught up.

I have also exercised regularly over the last two weeks. Something else I have not been able to do since going into the hospital.

Baby steps. I continue to heal.

What’s the oldest thing you’re wearing today?

Posted on by
2
Daily writing prompt
What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?
View all responses

That would have to be the Aloha Shirt I’m currently wearing. I don’t know how old it is, but it was a hand me down gift from my Mother. Now the oldest piece of clothing I own just so happens to be an Aloha shirt as well. My Mother actually made it for my Father when they were living in Hawaii back in the 60’s, and now it belongs to me. I don’t have (or want) a lot of stuff that belonged to my Dad, but that shirt is one of my prized possessions.

Posted on by
2

What is your favorite restaurant?

The first answer that comes to mind is the now-closed GLC Café in the Atlanta Peachtree Center food court. They had the best felafel wrap I have ever had and I would eat there several times whenever I was in town for Dragon Con. Unfortunately it closed during the Pandemic and to say that fact bums me out would be a serious understatement.

Posted on by
1

What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?

  1. Quiet times.
  2. Cheese.
  3. Reconciling my bank accounts every morning.
  4. Feeding squirrels.
  5. Sleep.

Putting it all out there

Posted on by
4

Sometimes I wonder about the net benefit of keeping this blog alive. There is a lot of history here, and for the most part it is a pretty accurate representation of the major events of my life over the last 25 years.

But do I really want all of that out there for the world to see?

This came to mind recently when someone we know casually googled my name, found my blog, and decided to use what they learned through that discovery to initiate an unwelcome and unexpected conversation with my wife over some of the events of our lives together.

I want to be clear in stating that I do not believe this was done with any kind of malicious intent, but it was an incredibly bad judgement call and just not good form. I’m fully aware that anyone can search for me, and that there are probably a decent number of people who know me personally who have, but I’ve always thought it was kind of an unwritten rule of the internet that you didn’t actually talk about that kind of thing. Especially when the subjects involved are clearly very personal.

But here we are.

While I’ve done my best over the years to make sure the content here won’t get me fired or embarrass anyone (other than me), who knows how things I wrote back in the early 00’s could come back to bite me in the ass now? Who knows how many times I wrote things that I would regret having people read who know me now and didn’t know me then?

I mean, the chances of really bad poetry happening are pretty high.

I’m not going to do anything about this immediately. Just thoughts going through my head.

—

I recently wrapped up my first acting gig since 2022 with a performance in Trust Me at LAB Theater Project. To say that it was a satisfying return to the stage would be an understatement. Honestly? I thought there was a very real possibility that I may not have been able to act again. The fact is that I’m still very much recovering from my surgery last June. Don’t get me wrong – I have come a very, very long way and am in a notably better place than I was when I got home in August, but I still feel like I have a long way to go. My energy levels are still pretty low most days, and I haven’t been able to get the motivation back to start exercising again. I managed to make it through the rehearsal and performance process, but it was pretty rough.

Admittedly the solution to this is to get back to exercising to build up my strength and endurance, but one has to have energy to spend to do so and I’ve been very low on that front. I generally average 8 hours or more of decent sleep every night and I still feel like I need to take a nap every day just to get by. And if I’m being honest, just doing the show and having a slight uptick in physical activity from it made me feel better, so I really just need to get off my ass and do it.

—

In other news, and in no particular order…

  • I’ve been playing Star Trek: Fleet Command and have been absolutely loving it. I started last year not too long before I went into the hospital, but in the last few months I’ve really gotten into the groove of playing. What I like best about it is that, for the most part, it’s pretty passive. I send my little spaceships out, we do a few tasks, maybe mine for some supplies, and occasionally have some light PVP. I’m taking it very slowly as I progress through the game as I understand that the PVP aspect gets considerably more prevalent at higher levels and I’m just enjoying doing my own thing unbothered for now. It’s nice to have something I can kind of idly poke at throughout the day or while we’re watching TV together at night but that I can quickly put down when I need to. The “canon” of the game is kind of a riot, too. Basically, take everything from every show that has been created in the Star Trek universe, drop it in a blender, and you’ve got Fleet Command. I’ve got multiple versions of the same characters in my officers pool, have gone on missions set in both the Kelvin and Prime timelines, and am working on getting some of the crew from Lower Decks. I think the only show I haven’t seen represented (yet) is Prodigy. Hell, they even have content from Galaxy Quest in the game. In a way it kind of reminds me of EVE Online, but with fewer spreadsheets.
  • We celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary back in March, and that fact is kinda wild to me. We’ve been through a lot in the time we have spent together. Much of it good, some of it very, very bad. But in the end we’ve got each other and that makes all the difference. I don’t know if I believe that there is such a thing as a “perfect” relationship, and goodness knows we have our challenges, but I honestly cannot conceive if living the rest of my life with anyone else at my side.
  • We’ve been having some work done around the house, the big project being a new exterior paint job and replacing our front door (which I had to damage to get open after it was severely warped during the hurricanes last year). The house is looking great, and we’ve got a few more quotes coming in to not only enhance the visual appeal of the home but to make it safer in future hurricane scenarios (namely looking to have rolling shutters installed, but also getting a quote to put a drainage system in our back yard to prevent flooding there). We also had to have our fence repaired due to some storm-related damage, but really we were fortunate not to have suffered any more losses. Some of our neighbors were not so fortunate.
  • Lots of “exciting” stuff going on at work, which (if you work in the Business Transformation/Agile space) I’m sure you recognize as “holy crap the world is on fire” mode. Nothing bad at all, just lots of change happening and my team and I are working with the organization to try and make sure we’re still providing the value needed as we evolve.

    My God, that sounds so very corporate speak.

    I’ve been learning more about PowerBI and Product Management since I’ve been back to help, and if I’m being honest I’ve had a blast doing it. I’m using Prompt Engineering to help enhance my data transformations, and a lot of that has resulted in learning more about Python. My big frustration is that I’m no longer a developer at my company and I don’t have the access rights I did back when I worked in IT so a lot of my code ends up getting blocked by our security software. Frustrating, but I totally understand why. There’s a possibility I may end up having a virtual desktop created so I can play in our sandbox at work and go through the “proper” code review scenarios, but for now I’m still doing my own thing as much as I can.

—

I could probably go on but this is getting lengthy and I’m kind of just rambling for now. [insert promise to write here more often that will go unfulfilled]

How It’s Going

Posted on by
1

Recovery has been more challenging than I expected. While I’ve made progress, there’s still a long road ahead. My strength and endurance aren’t what they used to be, and dealing with the aftermath of losing my gallbladder, a portion of my pancreas, and adjusting to new eating habits has been tough. Even the smell of certain foods can make me nauseous—a strange reminder of my time in the hospital.

But things are improving. I’ve started walking more and working with physical therapists, slowly rebuilding my muscles. Though I still struggle with low energy, the progress is undeniable, and I can see it every day. I’m also addressing lingering back issues with massage therapy after spending two months in uncomfortable hospital beds.

Mentally, the battle has been just as intense. Initially, I struggled with frustration, especially during nights in the hospital when I was overwhelmed by misery. There were times I wanted to leave against medical advice, but I pushed through. Now that I’m home, I’ve left that phase behind. Although there are still hard days, they’re rare. For the most part, I’m just grateful to be alive and optimistic about the future.

Despite this optimism, I had initially hoped that once discharged, I’d snap back to my old self. That hasn’t been the case, but I’m learning to accept that it’s a process. What excites me most is that Lisa and I are now making long-term plans without fear of cancellation, and I’m even hoping to get back on stage in the first half of next year.

I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m getting closer every day.

Update 8/6

Posted on by
6

Apologies for the lack of updates in the last week or so. I’ve been readjusting to life at home and getting things settled back here and just haven’t had the occasion to sit down and fill everyone in on what’s been happening. On that note, this is going to be my last password protected update about the cancer situation. Which, really, is a good thing. There’s not much to tell.

I got home late Sunday night (the 28th). The ride home was a bit of an adventure. We decided before I went into the hospital that we’d get a transport service to bring me home. While we were in the hospital we asked social services to help us arrange that. What we thought we were getting was a private ambulance. What we ended up getting was a van that holds a stretcher driven by two guys with no medical background whatsoever (one of whom was on his fourth day and the other spoke absolutely no English, which was fine with me but his non-Spanish speaking partner was having some issues with it). The ride was uneventful, even somewhat interesting (they took a route through some really wild small towns in the Everglades area that I had no idea existed), but by the time we got home I was very much done with that adventure. Fortunately, Lisa left Miami several hours before I did and she had the house ready for my return, so really all I had to do was walk in the door and go straight to bed.

I have spent the last week or so recuperating around the house. I’m seeing a wound doctor here in St. Pete to monitor the progress on the part of my incision that they had to open during my stay in the hospital, and that is healing well. I also have a home health nurse coming out twice a week to replace my dressing for the vacuum device that is keeping the wound dry. I’ve had follow-up appointments with my endocrinologist and will be seeing my primary care physician soon. My endurance is increasing, and I’m able to move about for longer periods without getting winded. I’m learning how to eat again with my new and improved smaller stomach and lack of pancreatic enzymes, and I think I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can do so without getting stomach cramps (I’m now officially in the “eat small meals throughout the day instead of one big meal” club). I’ve also dropped most, if not all, of the water weight that I brought home from the hospital (I was 268 pounds when I got home…I’m 230 now, which is about where I was when I went in but I suspect my “actual” weight is going to be lower and I’ll see some more water weight shed off this week).

All in all, things are very good. I’m sleeping better, eating better, more mobile and in less pain. I’m incorporating more of my daily activities back into my life, and I’m looking forward to continuing to do so. I haven’t had to worry about pretty much anything other than healing because Lisa has been making sure that nothing falls through the cracks and I have everything I need, just like she has throughout this entire process.

Thanks for caring and reading and your comments over the last two months. I didn’t respond to hardly any of them, but I read them and took comfort in knowing there were people who cared and were invested in a positive outcome on my part.

Update 7/28

Posted on by
5

We are heading home.

Everything finally fell into place today and we should be heading out in the next few hours.

There is a lot more to tell, but for now that is the important news.

57 days…

Update 7/27

Posted on by
1

Not much to say, really. Other than we are very frustrated.

As I said yesterday, I am cleared to go home. The home nursing was approved by insurance and was the last hurdle to jump. Problem is, we cannot find a home nursing service that will come to the house once a day a to, essentially, look at a dressing.

Social services is working with my doctor to see if he will change the order. In the meantime Lisa and I did some research and there are several outpatient wound care facilities in St. Petersburg that should be able to do the appropriate maintenance on me going forward.

I am not optimistic that this will be resolved tomorrow, but…Maybe Monday?

I am very sick of maybe.