I quit smoking on Saturday. Cold Turkey. I had my last cigarette shortly after midnight on Friday night, and I haven’t had one since. Saturday and Sunday were fine.

Today was hell.

I’ve never felt that bad from an addiction before. One of my friends online, Dr. Deb Hunka, offered that it was likely the result of my having lost so much weight. The last two times I’ve quit for real, I was significantly bigger. Now that I’m not, the nicotine to body weight ratio is much higher. It sounds good anyway.

Whatever the reason, I was a WRECK today. I was shaking and pale, I felt sick to my stomach. I was dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out at times. I felt claustrophobic. Basically, I felt like utter and complete shit.

I made it through the day, though. I made it through having some serious problems getting the washing well wenches site up. I made it through some potentially ugly news at work (paychecks looks iffy for Wednesday). I made it through my audition for Titus Andronicus, where I was surrounded by people who smoked and would have gladly given me one. I made it, damnit.

So I feel pretty good about my chances for continued success.

Not sure how to feel about my Titus Andronicus audition. I read once, about 4 lines, and not for any of the leads in the show. Which leads my over-analyzing mind to one of two conclusions. Either David has confidence in my abilities and doesn’t need to see any more, or I wasn’t what he was looking for in any of the major roles.

At this point, I’m hoping for the former, but feeling it’s the latter. That’s what I do though. Welcome to my mind.

One of these days I’m going to learn to keep my mouth shut. I have this habit of saying the wrong thing in front of the wrong person, and having it jump back up and bite me in the ass later. Mind you, it’s not always a horrible backlash, but it can be really humiliating.

Ugh…I can hardly see straight right now.

I’ve been working on the Washing Well Wenches site for the last two hours, trying to get a mad dash done so I can have some pictures on their site by (hopefully) the end of the weekend. Dani called me the other day, and in her very non-aggressive way explained to me that Michigan (where they currently are) is where they get the most requests for pictures and products. So now I have a fire under my ass to get this thing up as soon as possible. Oh yeah, she’s also sending me some money. That doesn’t hurt the cause, either.

Last night, Alex and I got into a discussion about tornadoes. He was very worried that the storm that was coming was going to include a tornado. After much grilling, I finally got to the heart of his concerns.

He is afraid of dying.

He started crying on me, because he doesn’t want to die.

Why does a six year old have to start having these thoughts? Is this the “gift” he’s blessed with because of his high intellect? Is he going to start questioning God by the time he’s 10? We’re talking about the same child who told me once that he knew God was real, because “I was standing on the mountain and I looked out and saw how everything was beautiful and I knew I was looking at God.” This was almost a YEAR AGO.

I guess it just reminds me that he’s getting older. That’s he’s going to start worrying about this kind of thing. That, already, that veil of innocence is getting lifted from his eyes and he is realizing there are scary things in the world.

I see this, and I hate it. I’m afraid he’s going to become a bitter and cynical son of a bitch like his old man.

Edited on August 28th, 2002

Alex’s soon-to-be Step Father read this and informed me that the place where Alex “saw God” was Chimney Rock in North Carolina. This is a picture of what it is that Alex saw.

So, I’ve been talking to my friend Lee Lee tonight, and she’s just about got me convinced to start running Vampire : The Masquerade again. Keep in mind, here, I haven’t run a game of Vampire in about 4 years. I’m not even sure if I remember all the rules anymore. I have to admit, though, the thought is very appealing. I’ve been playing in a GURPS : Supers game every Sunday for the last month and a half or so, and I’ve really been enjoying it. My friends used to rave about how good of a game master I was, but I’m feeling so rusty now. It’s almost like I’ve let myself get too “old” to let go of the apparent silliness of sitting around a table and pretending to suck the blood out of people.

I’ve still got all my notes, though. Hours and hours of research into the history of the Tampa Bay area. I had a great campaign lined up. I guess it really wouldn’t be all that hard to get things rolling again, would it?

The more I think about this, the better the idea sounds.

Well, I “outed” myself to the person I mentioned in my journal yesterday. For those of you who were wondering, it was indeed opheliasphoenix. I really couldn’t stand to sit back and watch the hateful things being said about her without piping in my two cents.

AND completely making light of the situation. Which is, of course, my style.

Make ’em laugh, Mikey.

So I’ve been REALLY cranky today. I guess I partied a bit too hard this weekend. A big group of AIM users thought it would be funny to start warning each other (for those who don’t know, a warning is something you can do to someone who is annoying you on AIM. If they get too many, you get logged off). It really got under my skin. I had people IM’ing me all day asking why I was warned. I almost got to the point of yelling at Eve when she was laughing about it to me. Quite uncharacteristic of me, for sure.

I guess I just need some sleep, so on that note….

There is a person I know online who seems to be going through a lot of shit right now, and I’m feeling very frustrated and helpless for some reason. I don’t know her all that well yet. We’ve talked no more than a handful of times, and for the longest time she was one of the users I was most afraid of persecuting me for being a male on the Bad Girl Swirl. She is, however, very important to someone else who I’ve grown very close to in the last few months, and as a result I see her hurting and I want to help.

But I don’t know how.

I’ve thought about sending her an e-mail and expressing my desire to help her, but I’m not sure if that would be well received. You see, as I said above, I do not know her, really, and I’m not sure how she would react to a relative stranger offering her solace. Some people are open to that, and some are creeped out. I could post a comment on her live journal about the situation, but the comments there already seem to be the beginnings of some drama, and I don’t want to involve myself in drama that is really none of my business.

So, basically, I’m going to post my thoughts here on my journal, and hope she reads them and deciphers who I am talking about. I hope she understands that if there is anything I can do, from offering an ear or advice from a third party, I’m there for her. At the very least, I hope she knows that I think she’s a really nifty person, and I hope that she can get through what it is that is vexing her at the moment.

Hrm…was that obscure enough?

Had an interesting artsy-fartsy kind of night last night. Adrienne, Brandy, Alex and Trish came over and helped me read the Shakespeare play “Titus Andronicus,” and then we watched the movie with Anthony Hopkins. We did so to help me prepare for my audition next Monday with the Jobsite company. I wasn’t familiar with the play in any real sense of the word before hand, but last night really helped me get a grasp on it. Especially considering the fact that Adrienne once wrote a thesis on Titus, and Brandy has performed in it before. I’m feeling much more prepared for my audition now.

Well, things are looking a little brighter this evening. I’m getting an advance from my boss to cover the current unpaid bills, and he is letting me pay it off over the next six weeks. The best part about the advance is that he gave me NO grief about it at all. In fact, he was a little put off about the fact that I was hesitant to ask him.

It made me feel important, you know? I’m a needed piece of the machinery at work, and he wants to keep me happy. That makes me feel good. It certainly validates me as a programmer. Now, if only we could get some increases and more vacation days…

On another note, I’ve decided that the song “I’m Not a Virgin Anymore” is the sexiest song ever written. I’ve had the CD for a while, but I’ve never really listened to that song closely. Faeriegrrrl sent me a mix CD recently that included the song, and while listening to it in my car I got absolute chills. That Poe…she’s something special.

I got paid today. Not an incredible paycheck, but certainly nothing to slouch at. I paid off some bills, and when I was done I had sixty dollars left in my account.

I have 600 dollars worth of bills that went unpaid.

This is starting to really get to me. I’m working my ass off and I’m falling farther and farther in the hole. I tried to back out of Dragon Con, because I really can’t afford it, but Brooks insisted that I go, and I really don’t want to let him down. Not to mention the fact that if I don’t get some kind of break from my daily routine soon I’m going to go insane.

I just want this financial struggle to end. I talked to my boss today about the possibility of an increase, and his answer at this point is that I can work overtime. I’ll try, but I have a hard enough time keeping my life in order without spending extra hours at work.

Ugh.