An Unexpected Party

Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.

Image created by OpenAI’s DALL·E, an AI model designed for generating digital images. The image depicts an older man handing a boy a copy of The Hobbit. Only their hands are visible.

This kind of question is complicated for me. My father left home when I was very young, and while I have fond memories of him because of our interactions when I was in my twenties, he really did not have much of a positive impact on my life.

Then there was Dick, the man my mother spent over two decades with but who never got off his ass and married her. My feelings about Dick are complicated, but I will give him credit for trying. He came into my life when I was a rebellious teenager and did his best to “whip me into shape,” but most of his efforts were not only ineffective but had the opposite impact on me (I rebelled more).

In between the two, though…We had a very odd extended family during those years. My Mother was a bartender, and she built a village around us of “aunts” and “uncles” who all contributed in some way to trying to help her raise her kids. Make no mistake, these were hard-drinking party people who, for the most part, would have made horrible full-time parents. As a collective, though, they helped form a community around us that was loving and warm and full of joy. When I think of “family” I think of these people. I only think of my biological family in terms of the events they came to with my “real” family.

An example – The one Christmas tradition I miss the most is Christmas breakfast. Mom opened her house to the tribe, and spent the entire morning cooking as they wandered through. It was amazing. Laughter and good food and (of course) plenty of Bloody Mary’s. That was Christmas.

During this time a lot of men helped to step in and be “father” figures for me. Taking me on camping trips, helping with school projects, talking to me about “guy” things. That kind of stuff.

The man who made the biggest impact on me during that time was Jack Chinn. He was a standard member of that group. Hard drinking, chain smoking, partying so hard he put himself into an early grave.

But he was also a big geek. And he recognized me as one of his own.

Jack gave me my first copies of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy,

I do not remember which birthday it was, but definitely in my early teen years. He told me at the time to read The Hobbit but to hold off on the others until I was older (he was dead on about that…it was not until I was much older that I could truly appreciate the other novels). Jack opened my eyes to a whole new world, and there was no turning back.

Jack also took me to see Flash Gordon. He exposed me to many different genres of science fiction and fantasy. His influence sparked an interest in Dungeons and Dragons, and my love of role-playing drew a direct line to my acting career.

Amusingly, I stumbled across his Gor novels at one point. Thankfully, he quickly steered me away from THOSE (I found them on my own when it was age-appropriate for me to do so).

There are a lot of men who had impact on my life, but Jack was one of the standouts. I miss him, and wish I could have gotten to know him better as an adult and friend, but as one of my many father figures he was damn near the best.

All you do to me is talk, talk

Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.

“My life is better for having known him.”

Et tu, Brute?

Daily writing prompt
Have you ever performed on stage or given a speech?

Oh, man. So, on the one hand this is kind of a funny thing that I could easily answer with a flippant “well, duh.” On the other hand? This hits kind of hard. I was quite literally thinking about my acting career this morning while I was doing my chores, and I started to wonder if I was being disingenuous by claiming that I am a professional actor in the Tampa Bay Area.

At this point it feels more accurate to say that I was.

I did my first professional gig with Jobsite back in late 2001/early 2002. For the most part, I’ve been on stage to some degree every year since. There were years when I was in back-to-back productions and hardly ever spent time at home, and there were years when I was in maybe one show or a staged reading, but for almost twenty years I was a presence around these parts, even if I wasn’t a “household name” (Tampa Famous, as we like to call it, which isn’t really all that famous but someone might recognize you at the store).

And then 2019 happened, and our world turned upside down.

And then 2020 happened, and everyone’s world turned upside down.

And then, just as I was getting back into the swing of things (I joined the board at Lab Theater Project and was cast in the Jobsite re-mount of Picasso at the Lapin Agile), I was diagnosed with cancer. This was compounded by a major upheaval in my family that has basically destroyed the entire concept of “family” that I have ever known.

I have not been on stage since I performed in The Meredith Brothers back in 2020. It’s been over three years, and in terms of treating my cancer that doesn’t seem likely to change any time in the near future (I’m working on another post with those updates).

So, yeah. I don’t really feel like an actor any more. I feel like a has-been.

And yet, in this state, myself almost despising; Haply I think on the word of Mr. William Shatner and then my state…ok, I can’t do any more of that to Shakespeare, but this quote does come to mind.

Has been implies failure. Not so.

Has been’s history. Has been, was.

Has been, might again.

William shatner, “has been”. From the album of the same name

Daily Writing Prompt 12.11.2023

What are your favorite physical activities or exercises?

Walking. There is no other answer. This was easy.

A picture taken during one of my morning walks.

Every time I have hit and maintained a weight goal in my life it was during a time I walked daily.

I have much more mental clarity on days that start with a one hour walk.

I spend my time walking listening to audio books or podcasts that entertain me or enrich my life (or both).

The time I spend walking is 100% self-care and it makes me feel as though I am taking care of myself.

I also get a lot of work done while I am walking, and my notes to myself frequently result in a lot of productive activity during my work day.

I love lifting weights. I love running. But walking is the world champion of exercise in my eyes.

Daily Writing Prompt 12.09.2023

What’s your favorite cartoon?

Oh, wow. This is hard. Are we talking animated movie or cartoon show? Individual episode or series? Character? Gah! So many choices.

I think I am going to have to go with Star Trek: Lower Decks. It was a toss-up between that and Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. I could also have picked from any number of animated shows I have watched throughout my life, but those two are the ones I immensely think of when I think of cartoons I love.

Lower Decks is, quite simply, some of the best Star Trek content that has ever been produced. It is smart, funny, engaging, and a love letter to the franchise that keeps getting better every season. My wife, who is not big on animated stuff and only got into Trek recently, agrees.

As far as Spider-Man is concerned? He has been my favorite hero since I was in my early teens, and Into the Spider-Verse was quite simply the best representation of the universe outside of the comics in my opinion. I also saw it in the theater with my son, so it has a special place in my heart for that reason as well.

Daily Writing Prompt 12.03.2023

What is one thing you would change about yourself?

I wouldn’t have cancer any more.

I realize that is a cop-out but, really, if there was one thing I could just snap my fingers and magically make change about myself it would be removing this seemingly inoperable phantom that exists in my body that may or may not kill me at some point and has pretty much ruled every waking moment of my life since July 26th of 2022.

There is a lot about me that I would change, which I believe is a healthy and positive way to look at life, but it is all stuff I am willing to work on and let happen over time. But this whole cancer thing? Yeah, I will take a short cut on that if we are handing out wishes.

Daily Writing Prompt 12.02.2023

Are you more of a night or morning person?

These days? Definitely a morning person. Although I honestly think I was always a morning person who simply lived a life that included a social life that was not conducive to being one.

When I was in my teens and early twenties I was definitely a night owl. I would stay up late gaming, going to late-night movies (RHPS cast member because of course), or dancing. I was not much of a “party” person, but that did not prevent me from seeing the ugly side of twenty-four hour diners on many occasions.

When I become a parent that started to change. I was the overnight feeder, so I would still spend a lot of time in the middle of the night online, but the necessities involved in being a father required me to be up earlier in the day. So, eventually, did my Monday-Friday, 9-5 job. But I tried! I spent many years getting only 4-5 hours of sleep because I was up too late with my night owl friends.

I take after my Father now. When he was in town (Coast Guard deployments) he was always up before dawn and making breakfast (regardless of how much he drank the night before). He was raised on a farm and that was just what you did. I started transitioning to that kind of schedule back in 2019, and the pandemic allowed it to really solidify. These days I am usually heading to bed by 7 and up by 5.

Unfortunately because of that whole cancer thing I am still tired all the time.

Don’t Be A Jerk

I’ve been threatening for years to put together a presentation titled “Everything I needed to know about Leadership I learned while running a guild in World of Warcraft.” I still might someday, but I’m annoyed with myself for continually talking about it and not doing it, and one of the points I want to make is top of mind today so I’m just going to write it down in a post and consider it pre-work for my epic future Agile Alliance presentation.

I started playing World of Warcraft shortly after it was released in 2004. I had a small group of friends who had been playing City of Heroes together and we all decided to try it at the same time. When enough of us had gotten the game and decided to stick around to do so, we started a small guild (a guild, for those of you are unfamiliar, is a means to communicate and share resources in the game with a specific group of people). Eventually we met another guild that was populated by people who we thought were neat, and we decided to merge the two guilds together.

For some reason I agreed to lead this new guild.

I won’t go into a lot of detail as to why a guild needs leadership, because it’s not really relevant to this post, but the very short version is that there is a lot of content in the game that requires large groups to complete, and part of running a guild is to help schedule teams to take on that content and establish agreements around how any rewards won from beating it would be distributed among the group. Guild leaders also establish the culture of the guild (ours was considered a “casual” guild, with mostly older players who had responsibilities that prevented them from devoting excessive amount of time to the game) and will also set up rules around acceptable behavior by guild members.

When we formed our guild, we had one rule: Don’t be a Jerk.*

For a while, that worked just fine. Everyone understood what being a jerk meant, and we were all pretty good about not being one.

But then the guild grew. We kept adding people who we didn’t know as well as the original members. As our numbers expanded, the line on what everyone accepted as “jerkish” behavior began to get fuzzy. Common sense, it turns out, is not so common. Especially when you’re dealing with a diverse group of individuals who are paying for the privilege of playing a game. People with different backgrounds, who come from different regions of the world, and have a variety of socioeconomic situations, genders, ages, and sexual orientations (not to mention skill levels). Heck, one of our prominent members was a retired grandmother who used to send me cookies every Christmas.

Mardi, if you’re still out there my address hasn’t changed.

Eventually something happened that I, and the folks who helped me run the guild, couldn’t ignore. I don’t remember what it was, specifically. All I remember is that our response to the thing that happened was to create a new rule, so now we had two of them. It wasn’t too long before another incident got our attention, so we created a third rule. Then a fourth. A fifth. You get the point.

When I finally stopped playing the game in early 2009, I believe our rule book was three pages long.

We would make broad announcements about how we have “noticed certain behaviors” and how those behaviors “violate the spirit of our core value of not being a Jerk.” If the person in question continued doing the “thing” we had created the rule for, we could point at the (newly expanded) rules list and accuse them of violating it, thereby justifying our decision to remove the person from the guild.

You know what we never did in any of these situations (before it was too late)?

Talk to the person in question.

Instead of having an open, honest discussion about whatever the infraction was that caused us concern we avoided confrontation entirely and hid behind bureaucracy.

Our reward? More headaches. The bureaucracy that was protecting us from being the “bad guys” continued to grow and become more complex, and eventually got to the point where we spent more time managing rules and people than, you know, playing the damn game.

Eventually it got to be too much for me and I quit playing. All the enjoyment had been sucked out of the game for me, and I walked away. I still have friends who I met playing WoW, and some of them are still playing and in the guild I helped create, but I canceled my account almost 14 years ago and haven’t looked back.

So what does any of this have to do with Leadership in the professional world?

The first, and most important, lesson I took from this was that creating rules to deal with people problems is a no-win scenario. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have rules, codes of conduct, etc…but if you’ve got someone on your team who isn’t working well with others in some capacity, creating some kind of rule, procedure, or process to deal with that person is not being a Leader. It’s managing (and managing poorly, at that).

The other big lesson I learned is that by creating a rule that applies to all members of a team when only one person is responsible for doing the “thing” that caused the rule to be made, you create a situation where the unintended consequence of your action is to cause people who have nothing at all to do with the situation to suddenly worry that THEY were the reason the rule was created. For example, say you have a person in your organization who has some kind of issue with body odor that is disturbing others and instead of having a conversation with that person you send out an all-users e-mail reminding the entire company that “we all have to work together in small spaces” and to “please be mindful of how our personal hygiene might impact those around us.” The person who inspired the e-mail might not think it is about them, or they might realize it is and get horribly embarrassed and/or resentful. Even worse, people who had nothing to do with the original announcement may start wondering if they are the reason the email was sent in the first place.

This lesson shows up in the Agile Manifesto, of course. “Customer Collaboration over contract negotiation” is one of the four values found in the manifesto. Talking with people and working out situations directly is much more effective than hiding behind contracts (and what is a list of rules in an organization but a contract that one agrees to abide by to continue working there?), and how can we argue with the fact that most effective means of communicating information being face-to-face communication?

If I knew then what I know now, I’d have spent a lot more time talking to people and a lot less time managing a list of complex rules. The short term discomfort of having a difficult conversation pales in comparison to the drudgery and annoyance of dealing with the red tape of a ridiculously long rule book.

*In the interest of full disclosure, the word wasn’t jerk. I think you get the drift, though.

Life without a computer

Daily writing prompt
Your life without a computer: what does it look like?

I actually think about this scenario often. I know a lot of people who talk about being prepared when/if the internet and computers are unavailable. People who still insist on buying physical media for their entertainment, for example (DVD’s, CD’s, etc…). What will you do, they argue, if the internet goes away and you can’t get to your favorite movies and music?

Listen, Chad. If the internet went away suddenly we’d have a lot more to worry about than whether we are going to be able to re-watch Buffy, The Vampire Slayer for the 20th time.

Fact is, my entire career and much of my utility as a member of society is dependent on computers and the internet. If it all went away, I’d be pretty much out of luck. My best hope for survival would be as entertainment for the people who actually knew how to survive without technology.

I’m also very resourceful, though, so if I could survive past the initial panic stage I’d adapt. I just have to convince the folks in the compound to let me in to begin with.

Which, now that I think about it, kind of makes me wonder if it wouldn’t be wise for me to have a physical copy of the Complete Works of William Shakespeare laying around. You know, just in case.

Three Jobs

Accidentally posted this writing prompt to an older, outdated blog that has now been deleted. The question was what are three jobs you would do if money were no object.

I think the obvious first choice would be Acting. I gave up on the notion of being a full-time, paying all my bills actor when I became a father and had to provide a home and health insurance to my family. I took the secure road, and I do not regret it. I have been blessed with the opportunity to act professionally for over two decades here locally and while it never had paid my bills I am proud of the work I have done.

I have always romanticized the notion of being a long-haul driver, so that would be my second choice. I suppose that job pays pretty well, so money wouldn’t be an option but I think I am too settled now to make the career switch. I would miss my wife too much, anyway.

I would actually consider getting back into software development as well. Like full-on, using the stuff I studied in college development. I would have to start at entry-level for most modern languages, though, so money would definitely need to not be an object.

Honestly, though? I am pretty damn happy with what I do on most days. I help people. I make it easier to get good work done. It is gratifying and meaningful work and I am thankful I have the opportunity to do it.