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I haven’t updated my journal in a few days now. Things have, of course, been happening. Life is moving on. I just haven’t been inspired to write much recently. I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for my therapy to start. It’s almost like I’ve been worse knowing that I’m going to be going in there. The wait has been very agonizing. I’m filled with questions and anxietys about what exactly is going to happen when I go in there tomorrow. What will she say? What will I say? Will we talk about recent events, or things from my past? How often will she want to see me? Will she give me a perscription? Will I chicken out at the last minute and not go?

Of course, it’s exactly this kind of behavior that necessitates my need for therapy in the first place.

The rehearsals for “A Streetcar Named Desire” are going pretty well so far. I like the cast. We’re all getting along very well, and I think it’s going to be a pretty decent show.

It’s funny, but I’m writing all of this “here is my day to day” stuff when I really feel like going off on some sort of long, drawn out and angst filled rant. I just don’t feel comfortable doing it right now. I’m pissed and upset and I can’t put my rage into words. I don’t even know if I should. I shouldn’t be upset about the things that are bothering me, because in most cases it’s something I caused myself, or something so utterly inane and based in fantasy as to be laughable.

And I want to laugh at it. I really do. I want to be cruel and merciless, and point out the utter lunacy of those situations. But I feel like if I start laughing, I’ll never stop again. I’ll crawl onto the banks of the river, see my distorted reflection in the water staring back at me, and break into psychotic peals of laughter that will never stop.

Kudos to anyone who gets the reference to what I was just describing.

“There’s no difference between me and everyone else. All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.”

So last night, as I suspected, I already began to see the benefits of deciding to take the small part offered to me in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” I went to O’Keefe’s with Scottie afterwords, and after long bouts of reminiscing about when we did “Alice In Wonderland” together, she mentioned the fact that she was doing a musical version of “Aladdin” next summer. She talked about how she was going to need someone to play the sorcerer. Someone who had an imposing stage presence. Someone who would look good in a huge cape and long flowing robes. Someone with a wicked smile. Someone who could sing. She then looked at me and winked.

Gotta love the way the theater works.

Sounds like it could be a fun role. The character (who’s name I have forgotten..it is not Jafar) is a total over the top bad guy. No redeemable qualities. No attempts to justify his actions as being right. No misguided notions. Just a real snake. Good. I want to play someone like that. Have wanted to for a very long time, in fact. Pilate is the closest I’ve gotten to a real bad guy, and while he is one of the antagonists in “Jesus Christ Superstar” he is far from a bad guy.

So next summer should prove to be interesting.

Scottie is also going to be directing “Romeo and Juliet” soon. Mercutio is another role I’ve always wanted to sink my teeth into, and it would be nice to actually do some Shakespeare.

I’ve debated talking about the fact that I’m going into therapy on my live journal, but (as you can tell by now) I’ve decided to go ahead and do it. This thing has proved to be a therapy of sorts for me anyway, so I figure it’s only right that I include how I’m dealing with things off of the net here as well. On Tuesday at 3PM I’m finally going to see a psychologist. The truth of the matter is that I’ve needed to for a very long time. Not only am I pretty sure I’ve got a chemical imbalance of some sort in my shiny little head, but I’ve got a lot of issues from my past that I haven’t really dealt with in a satisfactory manner. Especially in the last few years. I lost a lot of people that were important to me in a very brief time. I went through a divorce. I was laid off and unemployed for months. I might have had a stroke (the jury is still out on that one). All of these factors combined have led up to me being a generally unhappy person these days. I’m ok when I’m with people. Talking. Doing things. But when I’m idle and the wheels in my head start turning, I have a tendency to get very, very depressed.

Oh, I also opened my account back up on Match.com. Sent out a few emails. I’ve got 7 days to cancel before they charge my card, so we’ll see what happens. That shit has actually contributed to my depression in the past, so it might just make things worse. I figure now that I’ve got some decent pictures I might be able to at least get someone to write me back, right?

whoa…ain’t that a bitch…I just checked my hotmail…and I got a response…