You know, I’m probably far from what you would consider the most patriotic person in the world, but something happened tonight that just caused me to stop and think about all the patriotism and flag waving that is going on these days.

I took Alexander to his first Tiger Cubs meeting tonight. Yes, my boy is going into the Cub Scouts. That in and of itself is a pretty rocking thing, if you ask me. The leader started talking about camps that they go to and activities that they participate in, and I was sitting there flooded with memories from when I did all of those things the first time. My first Pine Wood Derby. My first camping trip. Earning my Arrow Of Light. Camp Seoul. These are all things that Alex has too look forward to, and I’m really excited to be able to watch him experience them.

HOWEVER…

They were having a “21 Gun Salute” ceremony at the church that sponsors his Tiger Cub pack. So at the end of the meeting we all go out to watch it. The “21 guns” were actually a single cannon that was about the size of a remote control car. Shot 21 times. By a guy wearing a tie dyed shirt. There were no guns. No military men. It was a sham of a ceremony.

And it pissed me off.

It pissed me off because of the fact that it seemed to me to be a pathetic sham to promote “patriotism.” The partner of the tie dyed wearing gunman making sure to catch it all on video. It included kids screaming and talking about how cool it was to see the gun shoot. It included adults talking the whole time. It was, basically, a really big joke.

And yet, despite all this, I stayed silent the whole time. I paid attention. I didn’t talk. I didn’t let Alex talk. I stared ahead and winced every time the gun went off. And I was pissed that I was the only one doing it.

And the funny fucking thing is that I’ll bet that the people watching this event with me..these church going, mostly conservative folks, would consider themselves more patriotic than I if you lined us up next to each other.

Fuckers.

Oh, yeah…and then, tonight, I was flipping channels and I landed on that 9/11 documentary. And watched the whole thing. So I’m a tad bit depressed now, thanks for asking.

Message my roommate took for me while I was in Tampa tonight :

“Scotty – Steve Neighbor. Fights w/Unice. So Funny. You’re comic relief.”

I’m going to be positive about this and have fun. I’m going to.

I’m just going to pout a little for now.

Have you ever felt used? Like a tampon? Like someone grabs you up when they are hurting, bleeds all over you, and then when they are done they just toss you into a garbage can and forget about you?

I’m tired of being an emotional tampon. I’m tired of people using me when they are hurting and then walking away from me when they are done. It happens too often. Way too often. I’m tired of being the scab player. Second best. Back up pitcher. Whatever you want to call it.

I don’t know what’s worse – The fact that I allow myself to get into these situations, or the fact that people take advantage of them?

And how on EARTH could someone be so blind as to put you through that and not acknowledge it afterwards. HOW? How is it that they can be so needy, and so grateful for your perceptiveness of that, and then turn a blind eye to the fact that they have shit on you?

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

So, I’ve been at home all day today. Sick as a dog. It hit me last night during the auditions for “Streetcar Named Desire”. Started coughing and just couldn’t seem to stop. When I went to bed last night I was coughing my fool head off, and it continued this morning. So, after I went and had my latest MRI, I came home and went back to bed. Can I afford it? No. Is it going to contribute to the second really shitty paycheck in a row? Yep. Can I help it? No. I mean, I went back to bed after my MRI and slept until 2. I’m basically in a kind of haze right now. No way I could have gone to work.

I think I may even have a fever. Joy of joys.

Ok….I finally went out and bought a windows 200 compatible web cam. When it’s up, I use Camarades to display my mug…sooo….

http://critusMCM.camarades.com/

I bought a pair of jeans for $1.98 today. Brand new jeans. From a store in the mall called Gadzooks. They had this table of super reduced clearance clothing, and they had a pair of jeans in my size for $1.98. I couldn’t believe it, nor could I pass it up. They’re kind of “raver” jeans, but I don’t give a damn. They only cost $1.98!

Like my recent Wal-Mart gushing, this yet again emphasizes to me how fucking much I love the fact that I’ve lost 170 pounds. Never, ever, would I have found a pair of size 60 jeans for $1.98. Nowhere. Not even a thrift store.

The whole shopping trip was amazing. That was the only item of clothing I bought, but I went into 4 different stores and tried on shirts. In the MALL.

Life is so different when you aren’t huge. Unfairly so, but that doesn’t mean I can’t relish in it.

I’ve been listening to The Cruxshadows almost non-stop since I got back from Dragon Con. What an amazing band. I have some of their lyrics from the song “Spectators” as my new signature line for e-mail :

“and everyone will say ‘I told you so’
yeah they’ll all just nod and sigh
but I’ll make a run at something real
and they’ll never even try
and everyone will say ‘I told you so’
yeah they’ll all just nod and sigh
as I go down in a ball of flames
they’ll just watch, I wonder why”

Oh man, wanna talk about missed opportunities?? Fieryredhead mentioned on her live journal that a guy dressed as Obi Wan came through the curtains at the costume contest singing “Come What May” to her and that she swooned. Damnit! I was going to do that, but I figured that a big bald guy in chains coming at her and singing “All You need is love!” would be a bit much! Grrr! I also don’t look a damn thing like Ewan. Could have been a bit much for her.

It could also be that I’m a big weenie.

It’s funny. I have NO problem being bold when I’m not the one with my ego on the line. I totally hooked Lee Lee up with a guy over the weekend by walking up to him and saying “Yo, dude. What’s your name? Jeff? Jeff, see that girl over there? She’s been sweating you all fucking weekend. Her name is Lee Lee. Go talk to her.” But when I’M the one who could get egg on his face I get all stupid. Feh.

Auditions for “Streetcar Named Desire” are tomorrow night. I’m going to get as rugged and “manly” as I can for the audition. Wear a wife-beater and my combat boots, probably won’t shave. I’d really like to play Stanley. Unfortunately, the fact that Scottie knows me might have me pegged for Mitch if I get cast. Which wouldn’t suck, but I would love to take a stab at that “Stella!!” line.

Ok, so have you ever gotten a confusing set of directives? What’s more, have you ever gotten them at the same time? This happened to me today.

I was having two different Instant Messenger conversations with friends of mine online. At just about the exact same time, I had one of them tell me I was too nice, and the other one told me I was being a dick. I swear I actually sat there and stared at my monitor in awe. I really couldn’t believe it.

I especially couldn’t believe I was hearing the nice thing, particularly in the way it was worded to me. The person in question actually told me that she dates assholes. She flat out said that.

10 out of 10 for honesty, but damn. What the hell kind of life is that?

Then, what’s more, is that I get the dick comment from someone who once told me she had only dated assholes in the past, and would never do so again.

SO…I get told I’m nice from someone who only dates assholes, and I get told I’m being a dick from someone who only dates nice guys.

There are some days when you just aren’t going to win, so you might as well give the hell up and not even try.

I should have the Dragon Con and Jesus Christ Superstar photo sections up on my site tomorrow morning. I have to burn a disc before I go to work and upload them when I get in. I have the galleries done, but I don’t have comments or captions on them yet. Not sure if I am actually going to have those up, but the pictures will be there at the very least.

Well, it’s over now. In fact, it’s been over since Monday, but only now am I completely back to my mundane 8-5 world. But you know, I find the contrast there somewhat comforting.

I mean, I spent the entire weekend being a hedonist. I stayed up too late. I ate bad food. I flirted like a madman. I spent no small amount of time under the influence. I wore my Gothic outfit. Basically, I did everything I could to just play.

Last night, I went grocery shopping with my son. I cut coupons first. I bought him things to put into his lunch. Lots of vegetables. Steaks on sale. Had a little cook out last night with steak, potatoes and fresh corn on the cob. Made a salad. Did laundry. Tomorrow night he’s going to the Cub Scouts, and chances are I’ll be involved in that. I might even end up as a troop leader. I have to renew my PTA membership.

So here I sit, on this see-saw. My life tips from one kind of extreme to another, and I find that I can rest comfortably standing in the middle and balancing myself between the two.

Sunday night ended perfectly at Dragon Con. Not only did I get to hang out more with the very lovely young lady from Friday night again (I guess Vampires are just as sexy as Vampire Killers), but Zinfandel Zamboni from the Bad Girl Swirl drove down from Tennessee to meet me. We hooked up with Sashimi Tracker and spent a few hours walking around the con and then went to breakfast. It was a hell of a lot of fun, and now puts the total at four Bad Girls that I have met. So far, they have all been really cool, and I’m looking forward to meeting Pandora soon. I really think that we need to organize a Bad Girl convention.

After all this, I was done. I thought my weekend was complete. I smoked a cigarette on the landing, turned to head back to my room, and finally saw the one woman I had been looking for all weekend. Her name is FieryRedHead and I honestly think I freaked her out a bit when I introduced myself. She was dressed as Satine from Moulin Rouge. I had found her journal before hand, and I knew she was going to be there, so I spent the whole weekend looking for her. When I saw her on Sunday night, it was like the perfect end.

I still had a day to go, but it was all icing at that point.

The drive home on Monday was fairly uneventful, but Karen and Lee Lee were really at the end of their ropes with each other. Which is a damn shame, because up until this weekend they had gotten along famously. To the point where there were referring to each other as best friends. Now? I don’t know. It’s probably going to be a while before the three of us hang out together on a regular basis again. Yeah, it got that bad. I can see points on both sides, but I think it mainly all boils down to us being in close quarters for so long, without our personal spaces. I hope they realize that soon and we can all go back to being friends again.

Well, I need to get back to work. More later!